I live every day with Anxiety Disorder. This is something that wasn’t always a part of my life but has become such in the past 5 (or so) years. My journey in this chapter of my life began with denial.
“I don’t have anxiety. There’s no reason for me to be anxious.” Was my favorite phrase. But my body had other ideas, and eventually (about 2 years later) I caved and saw a medical doctor for my physical symptoms. I had googled my symptoms (DON’T do that…ever!) and had my list of possible conditions ready for acceptance after my appointment. When the doctor said “You have General Anxiety Disorder” I was not prepared.
I have been on the roller coaster for several years now; the ups and downs, twists and turns, and the mixture of emotions that go with it. One of the most common, seemingly cliché, and frustrating phrases we hear sometimes is, “You are not alone!” And honestly, that phrase became the most annoying thing I heard… But the truth is, we truly aren’t alone.
I am not a counselor, therapist, or professional of any sort, but I am a woman and mother who can, at least, share some of my own experience.
First, I will give my experience of what Anxiety is:
- Exhausting: the monster that is anxiety can wipe me of every ounce of energy in minutes! It can leave me breathless, tired, immobile, and ready for bed by noon!
- Debilitating: there are times when leaving my bed is a literal chore! Physical pain, soreness, stiff joints, feeling dehydrated, and just unable to “do the things” are real issues I struggle with in the anxiety moments.
- Depressing: if there is one thing that I dislike the most about anxiety, it is the depressing feeling that sneaks in behind it! The hours of struggle to function are bad enough, but adding to that the subtle “might as well give up for today” thoughts that creep in and get louder by the hour… if I am not careful, those become the primary thoughts and then I have TWO issues to battle my way out of in order to function again!
- Isolating: whether Anxiety creeps in or pummels you like a bucket of bricks, the feeling that immediately accompanies it is loneliness. There are days I feel like I am alone, even when surrounded by people who love me and try to understand the inner struggle I endure. I can be enjoying a quiet moment, or spending time with friends and loved ones, and suddenly loneliness comes out of nowhere, isolating me in my own head. It is its own class of misery.
- Frustrating: Anxiety is a monster, and it can cause me to act like one as a result. No, these are not “mood swings” or hormones. Any time I feel anxiety setting in (whether the creeping in or the sudden whammy), my mind goes straight into overdrive. I start thinking about the cause of the anxiety, where it came from, my current location, if I’m not home-when I can get home, how many people are around me, who will notice it, how long will it last, will a “let-down” follow that will end with me in my bed for 2 days, what about my children, plans, house, etc… all of those thoughts swirl around and around in my head within seconds of anxiety onset.
Now, I have spent some time talking about what anxiety IS… but let me give you something to smile about and tell you what it is NOT:
- Permanent: that’s right! Do the happy dance! Because, anxiety can seem like it is going to last forever (and believe me I know this feeling), but the glorious news is, each attack will dissipate! While we may live with the disorder for the majority of the rest of our lives, it doesn’t have the “forever” factor, THANKFULLY!
- The Master: Yes, it feels like anxiety owns us for a time. But the moment I feel myself peeking through the clouds to the surface, I take ownership of myself again! No, it’s not easy. No, it’s not quick. But the reward is great when we take charge of our mind. Remember that you own you! That’s what I tell myself, a lot. When that becomes a pattern, your mind believes it, and you can go up from there.
- The End: sometimes anxiety can take hours or days to get through. The great news is we get through! During the moment, we feel like this is it, maybe this will be the one that stays with us forever. But oh, glorious revelation; it’s going to end… not us! Sometimes it is hard to hear that, or even say or think it ourselves, because anxiety is the monster that pulls down and doesn’t lift up. In fact, when it pulls us down, often it doesn’t seem to LET us up. But it does, and it will, let us back up. The glorious reality is there is an end. Not to you, not to me, but to each episode. Each time anxiety puts us in a tunnel there truly is an opening at the end.
I have compared my anxiety to my migraines in the past. Sometimes I can feel it coming on, slowly creeping in, and sometimes it just slams into me like a brick wall, suddenly knocking me off my feet.
The constant swirling of thoughts and worry that take over the mind is quite astounding, honestly. After an attack, and the settling, I have looked back in shock at the number of things my brain juggled at once! Physical, mental, emotional concerns for myself, my kids, the house (for various concerns), my family, friends, connections, my work, career, and my dreams. Talk about overwhelming! Thinking about that is almost as exhausting as the anxiety itself! And that is where 3 important things come in.
- Support
Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone is going to be able to say more than “I’m sorry.” And, not everyone is going to be able to listen. Don’t take it personally, because it’s not you. Ever!
However, there is great need for someone to be that person we can reach out to. Whether it is a therapist, counselor, mentor, friend, family member, etc… Find someone who understands. Truly, understands. You will know when you find that outlet. There will be that “click” in your heart and mind, and they will connect with you in ways nobody else could before them.
- Coping
This could range anywhere from distractions to medication. In all honesty, sometimes anxiety has to be treated with medication. There are physical symptoms that won’t go away with distractions or other coping skills, and seeing a doctor is a good idea to get those under control.
There are SO MANY types of coping, though! Personally, I “angry clean!” I turn on some of my favorite, active music, and grab my broom, mop, rags, cleaning solutions, and just get down for a couple hours! Have you seen the videos on the internet of the people dancing with their brooms around the house? Yep! I do that, often!
Exercise is another one. Yoga, kick-boxing, basic meditation and breathing exercises, brain games and mind benders, you name it… there are so many types out there! I journal, write, play music (radio and my piano), craft, blog, put jigsaw puzzles together, color in adult coloring books, and take pictures of nature around me.
- Motivation
During an anxiety episode, motivation is the LAST thing anyone thinks about productively. It is, however, something they wish they had in the moment. Motivation to come out of “the slump” can best be found when already out of it, but most people with anxiety will rather stay as far from thinking about it as possible when they are not in it. I was one of those people. Yet, every time I was down, I found myself wishing I had my motivators to get me through.
I am an obsessive list-maker. When I was able, in the past, I sat down and created lists. Now, you can find many of these types of things all over the internet. Trigger checklists, coping skills ideas, etc., and it helps to find those tools to use during any anxiety event.
I would sit in a place where I felt comfortable and relaxed, and I would have coffee or water, and a notebook and pen with me. Sometimes I would just start writing random thoughts, and other times I would start with ideas. Much like cleaning the house, you know, the spring-cleaning checklist, I would begin to list things I could do when I was down. If physically down, I had a list of “brain occupying” things and if physically able, I had a list of active distractions. I began utilizing these lists and found I had more good days than bad, and the bad days became less overwhelming when they occurred. Talk about a win!
But you must find YOUR winner. And that’s where the self-motivation and self-evaluation come in… when you can. Not everyone can use the same motivator, but there are so many out there! That’s the amazing thing about modern medicine, evolving technology, support systems, and easier access to all the previously mentioned.
If you have been diagnosed, first off, good for you! That’s the first step to coming out on top! That first appointment with a doctor is the hardest. It may not be hard to make the appointment, but it is so difficult to follow through and GO. Backing out is so easy, and if you live with anxiety you know exactly what I mean!
The mind can be our worst enemy. But it can also be our greatest asset.
I could go on and on about anxiety, because there are so many factors and elements to it. But I will leave you with this:
Don’t be ashamed. Be proud! You are winning! You are a strong person! Stronger than so many others out there! Hold your baby steps forward like a trophy, because you are doing more than you realize. Every day you are getting stronger. I believe in you! I am still building my happy ending, every day, and I can’t wait to hear that you are building yours, too! Celebrate your win now, because it’s yours! Much love!
