Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like a positive pregnancy test!! Ok, ok… so I was filled with mixed emotions over this one, with my youngest of three sons being 8-years-old. But I was ready! I wanted “one more” before I stopped for good anyway, so it was perfect timing! I didn’t want to be pregnant at 36 years of age, and time was running short SUPER fast!
No, the kicker for me was the first ultrasound where we got the visual…
Before I took the test, I had dreams about twins, and GIRLS no less! For about two weeks these dreams plagued my sleep, every night. I joked about it on Facebook Groups I was a part of, and with my family and friends as well. We laughed, I shrugged it off, and we all moved on.
Test pops positive a solid week before missed period…
I start feeling sicker and sicker, and cannot sleep day or night…
Enter Bronchitis and sinus infection from Hades!
I see my Family Doctor, they order a pee test, positive again. They give me a pat on the back, congratulations, and then tell me I cannot take the medicines I would normally be able to take for my infections! *sigh* What did I do to myself?!
*side-note: the sinus infection and nose bleeds stayed around until about 20 weeks gestation, or later*
Scheduling OB appointment and prepare for the start of the process…
December 19; ultrasound with Mom in the room. Tech moves the little wand thing back…and forth…and back…and forth…
I’m laying on the table thinking to myself, “She better be looking at baby, placenta, and back again to make sure it’s all intact…” Tech finally speaks…
“So… do twins run in your family?”
Mom kinda slumps to one side of her chair with a slight gasp and other sounds of shock and surprise. I’m laying on the table… processing. “Did she say what I think she just said?! Aw I knew it! I knew it!”
I see the Dr and she said that explains my constant and worse sickness, coupled with sleep problems. My body is working overtime, times two! So, I get prescriptions for specific medications to help with the sickness, insomnia, and to keep TWO babies healthy, and I go home.
December 20; bad, BAD day…
I spent most of the day with Mom, again. Grocery shopping and getting necessities for the house. I was feeling rough. I also did an interview for a blog post I was doing for a local, social media group I enjoy writing for. At the end of the day, Mom brings me home where I can finally sit and relax, and she goes to do her things.
About an hour in… I’m achy and need to use the bathroom. Blood. Everywhere! Panic ensues, and I start trying to reach out to my mother. At this time (I forgot to mention) I had NO phone… only internet services. So, I’m messaging anyone who can reach my mother. Friends, other family members, etc.!
Finally, someone tells me my mom called them back. She’s on her way to get me and take me to the ER.
My hospital is almost an hour away. We start the drive up there, and thus begins the 6 hours or pure torment…
Since I’m in my first trimester I have to go to the ER and not L&D. I’m bleeding. I’m scared. I JUST found out there’s two in there 24 hours ago! What is happening???
We wait for over an hour in the waiting room, and Mom’s pastor and his wife came to sit with us and be our support. Someone with a hand injury was sent back BEFORE me, and he got there AFTER I did. Mom was about to lose it! She had a miscarriage on Christmas Day over 20 years ago, and she was reliving her horrible ER experience with me. She was NOT having it! After a couple chats with the nurses and admins at the desk, I’m finally called back and given a private room.
The ER doctor sees me, they do blood work, labs, exam, etc., and then the Dr proceeds to inform me I’m losing the babies. Yes, he told me they are going or gone. However, they did NOT have an ultrasound technician on staff in that ER to prove either possible outcome for me and the beans.
After the frustrating, painful, agonizing, and depressing ER visit, I was sent home with instructions to call and follow up with my OBGYN first thing in the morning, 6 hours later.
December 21; the follow up visit happened as soon as I woke up and got myself functional to head to the Dr. I was nervous but had already settled my heart and mind to see nothing when we got there. I mean, the ER Dr told me they were most likely gone, after seeing the amount of blood I lost the night before.
We arrive, get checked in, and within minutes I go back to the ultrasound room. That was probably the longest 3 minutes of my life… getting set up, being asked all the seemingly insensitive yet necessary questions, and finally the look.
The tech goes straight for Baby A’s heart, stays there for a couple seconds, and then to Baby B’s heart and repeats. I’m pretty sure I held my breath the whole time. I wasn’t even expecting to SEE two babies in there anymore, yet there they were!
“Well, we have two heart beats. Strong ones. You can breathe now, Mama. For now, both babies are just fine.”
We went through the diagnosis process before I got up and went to the bathroom to change. Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage. It was spread across the entire topside of my uterus. Bigger than both babies in there together, at the time. I was reassured that these things typically resolve themselves with care, rest, and time, and that many of these pregnancies turn out successful to birth.
I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation, because I was lost in my own head. Once I was told I could get up and change, I went straight for the bathroom across the exam room and closed the door.
Mind spinning, heart pounding, and breathless I just stood there… looking at the blood-stained items in the bathroom I wondered how this is even possible right now?! I began to change clothes, and realized I had probably just taken my first, deep breath all day, right there as I adjusted myself and looked in the mirror. Was that a tear, trailing silently down the side of my face? And what are the mixed emotions for?! I should be elated that we saw to LIVING babies in the ultrasound! What else is going on? Is something wrong with me? I wasn’t processing things well, at all!
The next several weeks were spent in bed, in fear that every time I stood up that I would feel myself just losing the babies. The sinus infection, upper respiratory infection, nose bleeds, fatigue, sickness, and exhaustion combined with the instructions to stay in bed were NOT making things any better. I was depressed, lonely, angry, scared, sad, anxious, and worried about the three boys that I already have in my life to take care of.
If there is one thing a person who already lives with anxiety disorder cannot handle well, it’s being down while they are… well… down.
I lightly bled for a solid 7 weeks. One day, it just… stopped. I was seen at the Dr every 14 days since, minus one, monthly visit. When the bleeding stopped, I was weeks into my second trimester, but the level of peace that accompanied the first day of “no blood” was beyond description!
I got up! I moved around! I cooked BIG meals for myself and my boys! I did more laundry than I knew was humanly possible! And… I finally got to “officially” start my Blog!
The journey has been interesting thus far, but it’s one I have grown and learned from, and I cannot wait to see where the next chapter takes me!
