I am going to share with you the hardest part of pregnancy to talk about: Postpartum Depression.
PPD is REAL, folks, and it is not a nice companion to have around. I won’t sugarcoat anything, here, because the monster that is depression is bad enough on its own. Bring the hormones of post-delivery, life changes, and no sleep into the equation and you have a whole buffet of yuck to carry for a period of time.
What was PPD for me? It was in my smile, my laugh, my sadness and my cries. PPD hovered over my shoulders through the good moments and the bad. The first several weeks after the twins were born, I felt the weight of PPD pressing on me, and I constantly wondered when it would show its ugly head.
But! There IS a silver lining to this dark cloud, and that is time. With time, support, and sometimes medication to help the process be more bearable, PPD will be a thing of the past that you can look back on with relief, knowing you made it through with flying colors!
Now, I will set a storyline here for you.
My pregnancy was not easy. Not at all. If you have followed me thus far, you have read the overview of my three trimesters carrying the baby dragons this year. For the things I did not write about, however, there are many. The final weeks of the pregnancy were painful, stressful, and sometimes overwhelming in ways I cannot describe. Physical pain, emotional struggles, and life circumstances had me buried from all sides. I spoke with my doctor before the twins were born, and I informed him that I was very aware of my chances of PPD after delivery. My Dr was excited that I would recognize my chances before birth and set up a plan to help me if I needed it.
Pause:
If you are pregnant, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about PPD before your delivery! This will be a lifesaver for you and your child(ren)! I cannot stress this enough! The sooner you are fully informed of the chances, symptoms, causes, and treatments for PPD, the easier it will be for you if/when it starts to happen. It doesn’t always happen, and it doesn’t happen to everyone. So, don’t think that you are going to develop it just because you are having a baby. Hormonal changes and “baby blues” are common, but PPD is much more serious, and not as common at all as people would think.
Ok. Resuming:
Let me back up a year for you…
Last summer, yours truly was a woman who needed medication to help me deal with the sucker punches life (and people in it) were throwing hard in my direction. Being a single mom is hard enough, and with all the other things on top of my title alone, I couldn’t deal as well as I wished I could. So, instead of turning to alcohol as I had in previous years (another story all in itself), I went to my Dr. He got me started on some SUPER mild medications, and it was enough to get me out of my fog to function again. Annnnnd then I got pregnant.
Fast forward to delivery…
I had been without the medications the Dr had prescribed for me for several months now, and I was afraid that PPD would be a heavier burden than it was with my firstborn son. When I had my oldest child, I was unaware of the depth of PPD and where it can take a new mommy. (Again, I stress, don’t let it even begin there for you! Talk to your Dr before you deliver!)
This time around I knew I needed to open up to someone and get ahead of the game! And I did.
Postpartum Depression doesn’t always mean you are going to sit and cry all day and night. No, PPD is so much more! It is confusion, frustration, and irritability. It is the inability to sleep, and the inability to stay awake. Sometimes at the same time. You can go from happy to sad at the drop of a hat, and you can go from sad to happy just as quickly! The emotional highs and lows are much more drastic than normal depression highs and lows. The added hormones make everything seem more extreme.
What would normally make you a little emotional now has you in tears, sobbing uncontrollably for long periods of time. What would normally frustrate you sends you into a fit of anger that is completely unlike your normal self. Sights, sounds, and smells can set off an emotional response without warning.
For me, it was the dreading of the sunset every day. I would sit and stare out the windows, begging the sun to stay high in the sky, and would cry as I watched it slip below the horizon. In the dark I felt alone. I knew I wasn’t, but boy did I feel like I was!
The sounds of a baby crying would irritate me and make me feel helpless to help them. I felt like I was doing everything wrong, like I wasn’t good enough, or the right person for this job. I wanted people around me, but I wanted to be alone. Silence bothered me, but noise irritated me as well.
You can’t explain it and that just frustrates you even more. Searching for words to describe your feelings and thoughts during PPD can be as frustrating as the symptoms themselves. Yep, I’ve been there. I’m still there!
Don’t ever be ashamed if you did, or do, suffer from PPD! Never! Don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor and take medication to help you through the process, either! When you know you are not alone, and when you know someone else out there truly understands what you cannot explain, things don’t seem quite as heavy as before.
I see you. Single, married, surrounded with support, or alone. I feel your struggle, and I understand. Oh, how I understand! When we go through these times, although it is so hard to do, go with what you KNOW… not what you feel. You may feel worthless, hopeless, and at the end of the rope. You are not! Let me tell you what you ARE:
Strong: you may be struggling, and feel weak, but you are making it through each day and will continue to do so! You are superwoman! You are battling hormones and stresses that others cannot see or feel, and you are rocking it!
Worth your weight in GOLD: Women who are faced with PPD find in themselves an ability to carry themselves, their children, and other family members through it all! Laundry, dishes, housework, homework, baths, showers, just taking a breath and staring out the window! Every ounce of strength you have makes you that much more valuable!
And finally, you are going to be okay. No, you may not feel like it. I didn’t feel like it! I dreaded each day, each visitor, each change, and even the things that stayed the same! But here I am now! There is a light at the end of the PPD tunnel, I promise you!!
Some tunnels are longer than others, and some people will come out sooner than others will. But I am a witness to victory over the silent killer, the ever-present monster that is Postpartum Depression. Not everyone will understand. Cling to those who do! Reach out to someone you know who has been there and made it through. Listen to the testimonies of those who were where you are now. You’ve got this, Mama. I believe in you, just like so many believed in me.
