“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.” –Proverbs 12:25 NKJV
Last night definitely did not go as planned.
I did not sleep until after 4:30am and woke up close to 10:00am.
Of course, we were all a bit sluggish, not very functional, and honestly, a lot of my planning made space for such a morning.
My boys DID help me with the inside of the house.
We got trash out of the house, washed a bunch of dishes, swept all the floors, and cleaned up the main part of the house nicely.
Also, I woke up almost pain-free! It was a good start to the day, at least. 😊
Tonight wasn’t so bad either.
I went to work at my job (that I LOVE), did some more cleaning there, read a little, and did other, work-related things.
The twins went to bed for a nap before I left for work, so everyone at my house got a little break before the evening fun began.
This is where I just need to sing some praises for a second.
My grandmother is A SAINT!
She comes over to help out with the twins, and she really loves doing it.
It gives her something to feel needed for, and she is bonding with the twins so well!
They adore her, and she just soaks up every little snuggle and cuddle she can get from them.
I love walking in the door and seeing her sitting with one twin in her lap and the other standing beside her at the couch. She has a smile a mile wide and they are just talking up a storm to each other in my living room. It’s picturesque.
Grandma is safely at home with Grandpa now, and everyone is either asleep or at least settled here, now.
So, I sit here again, writing up some lists and ideas for another good tomorrow.
I’m pretty excited about it, really.
And that gives me another tidbit to share…
I used to say, “I hope tomorrow is better.” And I would critique myself and my day (my own worst enemy, right?!).
As I write in my journal, planner, or make my lists now, however, I write down the good things.
“We got everything on my list done today!”
“We got some things done today.”
“Nobody fought like cats and dogs today.”
“School was done in record time!”
“School actually got done today!”
It doesn’t even matter how small the good is, if there is good to be found I will use it.
It is important, because we are in a time when depression is heavier, anxiety is higher, and fear is greater.
Missing the school days…
I have seen my children fall into depression because they cannot hang out with friends, or maybe they are completely disconnected from friends and other support, and all we have is us, in our home, doing our best to stay safe and healthy in every way we can.
Of course, I have to work. This is a necessity!
It doesn’t matter how bad things get out there, it seems. The bills must still be paid. The car still needs gas for appointments, work, and getting those groceries my kids are wiping out in record time.
And so, we keep moving.
We keep going forward, every step we can.
So what if we take a few steps back now and then. As long as we are moving, we will make it.
I am doing all I can, and I am working with my boys to help me by doing all they can.
Yep, we have burn-out days. I get frustrated with their lack of interest in helping. I get upset when they try to avoid school (gotta love remote learning…not!), and I get discouraged when they are impossible to talk to, reason with, and work with.
But we have come such a long way from who and where we were three years ago, two years ago, and even one year ago!
Things have been gradually changing for the better, and that’s the point! We are moving! Taking those steps. Climbing that mountain. Moving those obstacles. Creating the life we only dreamed would be a reality “some day.”
I’m pretty excited! And I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds for my little family, now. 😊
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein
Tonight is just a “flare up” night for me, so I am sitting up in my bed, pondering life, drinking some coffee, and typing away on my computer…
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
My body has been telling me to rest for a few days now, and last night was when it finally shut down for a solid sleep. I slept until 10am today!
My little family enjoyed dinner at my grandparent’s house this afternoon, just our little crew, then I walked back to my house to lay the twins down for a nap and fell asleep again myself.
Yeah, my exhausted-self needed it.
Who would have thought Holidays would be so odd this year?
One year ago, when we were all gathered around tables, groups of many, eating food, telling stories, and just sharing and enjoying each other’s company, none of us could have predicted what the near future held!
But here’s the thing…
Had it not been for our advanced technology, medical knowledge, amazing people working to save lives, and putting some of these guidelines into practice this year, there would be a lot less people celebrating right now.
I thought back on things like the “plague” and how that would wipe out entire villages and cities in one giant wave.
While we have been devastated by this pandemic, the outcome today is far different than it would have been without the things we have to fight it with.
And the people. The amazing people!
I felt safe enjoying the company at my grandparent’s house today, but I was still cautious. I think we will be for some time.
It has certainly given me pause to think about the other viral things that haven’t been circulating as much as they had EVERY year that I can remember: Stomach bugs, flu, strep, and more!
Every year, my house falls victim to more than one virus.
This year, we have lived under a fog of Lysol, doused in soapy water and Germ-X, and constantly wiping things down with sanitizing wipe thingies.
We have been eating more fresh foods, keeping healthier diets, taking more and more vitamins and herbal supplements, and I gotta say my skin, hair, and nails are celebrating these changes!
And this year I haven’t had to buy boxes of Kleenex, cold and flu medicines, cough drops, or fever reducers.
Epiphany!
So… what if, after the Covid thing is gone, we actually keep up with the healthier choices??!
Um, Yes!
Now, I know that the mass majority will return to life as usual (I suspect anyway), but as for me and my house we are creating new habits that I plan to hold onto for the rest of our lives!
I love the fact that we have been, for the most part, sickness-free, and the kids are enjoying it as well.
Now, if I can just get the fibro to settle down, we will be on a roll!
That’s another thing I have been thinking about as I sit on my bed, pondering, at nearly 2am…
Weird pain.
I’ve had weird pains all around for several years, now, and I remember ending up in the ER because the pain accompanied strange, numbing sensations, on one side of my face and neck.
After that one episode I didn’t have that kind of issue again, but I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in 2015 which listed several symptoms I was experiencing.
In the summer of 2018, the anxiety started to subside, along with many of the symptoms.
But the pain stayed, and within a year it got worse.
I remember when I started noticing it more and more. I would be washing dishes and my arms would just ache. From my hands all the way to my shoulders, the pain was in my muscles and would intensify when I flexed or moved my arms.
My legs already had issues, which we assumed was RLS, as it would be worse at night when I was trying to sleep. But now they just… hurt. Anytime. All the time!
I have days when I feel completely normal, can function normally, and things are great.
Then I have days when getting out of my bed takes every ounce of energy I have.
I cry, get angry, confused as to why this is happening, and often discouraged before my feet hit the floor.
At least the days when I feel those emotions are few and far between.
Most of the time my kids are total rock stars, and they help me out and help do things that I would normally do around the house.
Sometimes, when I have more bad days than good, the poor kids end up with a little burn out of their own and honestly, I can’t blame them. But those are sometimes the days when the emotions run heavy along with the pain.
This week has been more bad days than good.
Thankfully, I have medication that helps with the pain and all that, but I still fight with my own mind over why it seems like this thing kicks my butt so easily!
And on nights like tonight, when I can feel it slowly easing from my body, the pain lifting and my ability to get up and go returning, I start to plan.
I make lists. My “to do” lists, things that I need to get done before the next flare up begins.
Most of my lists are your normal, mom-style to-do lists, with a little extra on the side.
I make menus for myself and the kids. Menus for us as a family, and then some “on your own” kinds of things for my Rockstar children, in case I have bad days coming up.
I set up grocery pickup to get all the food I know we will need for our family for at least a week.
I get all the things in order in my head, on paper, and on the white board in my dining room (at least on the white board after we all get up the next morning).
I have been spending a lot of my better days cleaning out the garage, TRYING to do the same in the breezeway, and I have got to get my hands on my yard again!
So tonight, I am going to sign off from my rambling and get some rest, and if tomorrow is a good day (as I think and hope it will be), I will be working hard on getting things done again.
Fingers crossed, my friends! Because the boys have agreed to help out in a few areas themselves. I’ll have to update you all when the day is done. 😊
As a teenager, I was strongly encouraged to memorize the Proverbs 31 passage about the Virtuous Woman.
I read it and read it, over and over, until I knew every word by heart.
This passage in the Bible was a core reading for me in my high-school days, and as I would look back on it I would hope and pray that, one day, I would be this woman!
Well…
I am!
Now, let me break down the verses for you, and give my lighthearted explanation of how this passage accurately describes me today.
Proverbs 31:10-31;
10: Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. (Why, yes! I am worth my weight in precious gems! Thank you!)
11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. (I tried to find something for this, as a single mom, and I decided to simply say that my children can safely trust in me… and they ARE spoiled! Haha!)
12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Again, the kids… and YES! Although they would say I am evil when chores, homework, etc. need to be done!)
13: She seeks wool, and flax, and works willingly with her hands. (OK, sometimes not so willing, but uhm… I’m pretty sure this means she shops! Accurate!)
14: She is like the merchants’ ships; she brings her food from afar. (Well yes I do… over the river and through the woods every time! And the irony of that… we live in my grandmother’s house!)
15: She rises also while it is yet night, and gives meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. (So, she’s up all night, feeding people… Oh yes, that’s me!)
16: She considers a field, and buys it: with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. (I’m going to give MUCH credit to my grandmother, who considered our field, and worked that sucker with passion! However, yes… I planted, cultivated, worked, sweat, some tears, and with a passion of my own, we had a HUGE garden!)
17: She girds her loins with strength and strengthens her arms. (LoL… I call those “big girl panties” and yes, I wear them quite well! And, after carrying two toddlers around, one on each hip, I’d like to think my arms are pretty strong.)
18: She perceives that her merchandise is good: her candle goes not out by night. (My candle burns at both ends, and never goes out! And YES! My Scentsy is AMAZING!)
19: She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. (Wellll…. I do like to sew and do things with fabrics and strings. At least this verse didn’t say she excelled at it! Whew!)
20: She stretches out her hand to the poor; yea, she reaches forth her hands to the needy. (YES! So much yes! I will help whom I can, when I can, even when I am near the end of my rope as well!)
21: She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. (Not gonna lie… this is a struggle. I definitely do not FEAR snow, but I sure don’t like it either! And YES! My household is heavily guarded from it! Lots of winter wear!)
22: She makes herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. (Lots of purple!)
23: Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. (We will go with her “family” here. And yes, my family is known around my world… and they spend time with elders, people of wisdom and grace!)
24: She makes fine linen, and sells it; and delivers girdles to the merchant. (I do make things, but I’ll admit I don’t sell them. I give things away more often than not. LOL)
25: Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. (THIS! Everyone who knows me knows that I endure, and I find joy in every moment possible!)
26: She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. (This took some work, time, and a lot of learning! Wisdom is essential in life! And my kids wouldn’t agree with the law of kindness, which means I’m doing it right!)
27: She looks well to the ways of her household and eats not the bread of idleness. (Psh! I never have an idle moment! Dishes, laundry, cleaning, babies, kids, homework, work, groceries, cooking, more cleaning, etc.)
28: Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and her praises her. (Well, when my children rise up they don’t quite call me blessed… but after they are awake for a while they come around. Hehe)
29: Many daughters have done virtuously, but you excel them all. (Why thank you! I try)
30: Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised. (Lemme tell you something here… favor IS deceitful! Beauty IS vain, but praise is a testimony of good works, integrity, and given by those who have been blessed by a godly woman!)
31: Give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. (It took me a long time to accept praise for anything I have ever done! And while the kids I parent bicker and argue, and often buck against rules and discipline, I am seeing young men grow up and know how to treat other people with kindness and love, and I see my works coming to fruition. It is a good feeling.)
So, as a young woman I aspired to be everything this woman is in the scripture. I dreamed about accomplishing each and every verse, daily, for the rest of my life.
Little did I know, I would be her! I would be the woman who works, day and night, is exhausted, tired, and sometimes depleted of anything left to give. And I’m pretty sure she probably pulled her hair out daily!
But she is amazing! I mean think about it!
She does everything, is everything, and still finds joy! She works hard, and above all, she is greatly loved!
I work hard, I am exhausted, and sometimes depleted. But I have joy, peace, and I am most definitely LOVED!
I am the Proverbs 31 Woman!
*verses found in Proverbs, chapter 31, in the New King James Version of the Bible.
In the fall of 2018, I took a positive pregnancy test, and in the winter, I was informed that I was carrying twins.
I already had three boys. I wondered for weeks if I would have five boys, three boys and two girls, or four boys and one girl…
The day of truth arrived before Spring of 2019.
For weeks Baby B was confirmed a boy, but Baby A was definitely undetermined! Baby A was hiding at every ultrasound!
Baby A finally let us know that she is a girl close to the middle of the second trimester, and the poor ultrasound tech would check again at EVERY visit, at my request, just to make sure we weren’t making a mistake! Ha!
I was in denial!
I was terrified!
What was I going to do with a girl???
I had no idea what I was doing!
It didn’t matter that I had experience by helping raise my little sisters, who were 10 and 12 years younger than me!
It didn’t matter that I am also a woman!
My first thoughts were, “I hate pink! People are going to get me pink stuff! What will I do with pink stuff?!”
And also, “What if she falls down, gets hurt, is dainty and fragile? What if she’s moody?!”
These might seem like petty questions to experienced Girl-Moms out there, but it was no joke to my frightened self!
And then, the twins were born, Summer of 2019.
And the first time those “True Blue” eyes looked up at me, I didn’t care anymore.
Buy the pink stuff!
Buy the ruffles and glitter!
Mommy will be there every time she falls!
Mommy will be there every time she gets hurt, is sick, sad, scared, or anything else!
Now… What people sat back and giggled at, and never gave me fair warning of, was the months that followed the birth.
Granted, when they were inside the womb, we confirmed that “Baby A (aka, the girl)” was mean and quite the bully. But I resigned that to the fact that there were TWO babies in the space that is generally occupied by only one. Fighting for space was a given…
Yeah…
We were wrong.
Enter present time, where the twins are now 15 months old (today!), and the whole “girl drama” thing I have heard so much about, I have discovered, is REAL!
Y’all…
Send help!!
How does this stuff work, people???
She’s a toddler going on 16 already!
Is this a thing?!
Is this normal for girls???
Don’t get me wrong… Those blue eyes are pure, innocent, and sweet, and I adore every inch of her personality!
BUT!
The ATTITUDE is unprecedented in my world!
This sweet, squeaky, giggly, bubbly, smiling, laughing, adorable little girl is a BEAST!
She dominates the room. Every room!
You know how babies share when it suits them? Yeah, she doesn’t share at all!
She will swipe, take, steal, grab, and hijack anything from anyone she can, especially her twin.
She will become enraged when things are taken back or kept from her attempts to take them for herself.
She will smack the face of anyone who opposes her, gets in her way, or tells her “no.”
She loves with her hands, with hugs, love pats, and often a decent smack to the head or chest.
She loves with her voice, by cooing, humming, yelling, and sometimes screaming at the top of her lungs while chasing someone around to “love” with her hands.
She’s dramatic in EVERY way, both in her excitement, sadness, and especially her anger.
When my baby girl enters a room, her presence is KNOWN from one wall to the other.
Again, she is 15 months old. LOL
My daughter (that still sounds so different to me!) is a clever child! She is highly intelligent!
She mimics movements, sounds, words, and initiates games with people to play with her.
She loves music, some cartoons, books, and all things interactive.
And, like a girl after my own heart, she refuses to keep those big, fluffy, ruffly headbands on her head!
Score!
This is the first of many years for this mama, learning new lessons, feeling new emotions, and many other things related to family changes.
I’ve been a boy-mom for a decade and a half.
I have learned how to deal with the boy drama, broken bones, bloody noses, mud, bugs, reptiles, video games, stampedes through the house, weird creatures and items in the laundry, stains on every item of clothing, Autism, Anxiety and emotional trauma, boy puberty, and so much more!
Now, I get to learn all these things with a girl.
Am I terrified? YEP!
Am I excited? If I were asked this question before she was born, I would have said NO.
But now, as I face-off with my literal “mini-me,” screaming at me, and stomping her feet (for real), with those bright blues even brighter next to her angry, pink cheeks, I have to say I am pretty excited!
I have always loved a challenge.
And I am pretty sure God took one look at my ‘pre-twin’ situation and said, “Challenge Accepted!”
Let the fun begin, and may the odds be ever in… my favor?
I have been on the Single-Parent journey for a while, now.
During the beginning of this chapter in my journey, I felt more chaos than peace. I cried more than I smiled. And I often wondered how I was going to be able to move forward.
And then, the healing that had already started, I finally began to feel!
The top three phrases I hear most often are, “You make it look so easy!” “I don’t know how you do it!” “You have the patience of a saint!”
My dears, it is definitely NOT easy, I have no idea how I do it on some days myself, and my children would not agree with the “patience of a saint” statement at all! Ha!
I have moments when the “Mom guilt” is strong. Moments when lose my temper, forget things (the laundry in the washer hates me the most), lose things, trip over myself walking down the hallway, and have lately been staring at the wall in my bedroom blankly, trying to figure out what I am even doing!
So, let’s talk a minute about when it all goes haywire…
I KNOW I am not alone when I say this year has been an overhaul of the unexpected, unpredictable (and predictable, sadly), unplanned, unprepared, and uncertainty! Times ten!
We, as parents and families, have been through the mill!
And the year keeps on giving…
I have five kiddos. Everyone who follows me knows this. Three of them are each in their own school right now.
My oldest is a freshman in high school.
My second son is in 8th grade (the junior high in our district).
My third son is in 4th grade at the elementary school.
All of them are in the same “blended learning” group. Group B. They attend their schools for a half day on Tuesday and Thursday every week.
All other days they are supposed to do online learning with their school-provided-chrome books.
Two of them have IEPs. Their classwork is set up differently than the third. And that one (the one without the IEP) is currently going through puberty… Jesus Help Me!
The twins were invited to join early headstart programming via “home-based-classrooms” and I was already set beyond my limit, so I declined that option for this year.
So where does it go haywire?
Well, it starts when there are medical appointments
Education appointments
Other appointments
Kids falling behind on their schoolwork
Begging not to have to go to school on their half days
Juggling all five of them plus the housework
The car acting up (again)
The fridge falling apart (again)
Mom’s business falling short on sales and losing income to cover the bills
Cabin fever
Sibling fights that go from verbal to physical in .25 seconds
Bedtime battles with the older kids (because the twins go to bed at the same time every night!)
Did I mention that this has become a daily issue? Like, this is not “every once in a while.” NO. This is current, real time, common struggle.
What I am describing is all within the past… few weeks.
And then comes Sunday… when the battle to attend church is in full swing. That battle begins on Saturday evening, typically.
But that is another blog post entirely for another day. And trust me, it’s a good one!
Now, where is the peace?
I’m so glad you asked!!
I want to share what I did when I laid the floor in my bedroom a couple months ago.
I sat on my floor and wrote Bible verses ALL OVER it!
I spent hours on the phone with my mom, going over the verses that fit my situation, me personally and me as a mother, my family, our lives, and the things we have been through. We talked and I wrote, all over the place!
The flooring underneath is covered in verse after verse about peace, joy, love, blessings, calm, grace, mercy, forgiveness, faith, miracles, and so much more!
One of my absolute favorites is Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things.” (NKJV)
Some others I wrote are
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
“Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
“And He said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9
“He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” Isaiah 40:29
These are just a few of MANY verses I wrote all over my floor!
Why am I sharing this? Because this is where my peace comes from!
When it all goes nuts, I go to God! I go to Him in prayer, or in the Bible.
Now, I understand many people get their peace from many places. It can come from angry cleaning the house to your favorite angry music (I do this as well), or going for a walk, run, bike ride, or just getting out of the house for a bit alone. Peace can come from many places!
You all know me. Mine comes from my writing. And I look in many places for inspiration to write and encourage myself and all of you in your journeys as well.
There are days when I cannot find my peace by reading my Bible. Sometimes I’m not near it, sometimes I am not able to sit and read, and sometimes I can’t focus. Those days happen! Sometimes peace is hard to get a hold of.
And, of course, the Bible isn’t the only place I find peace. I find it playing with the twins. Playing my piano. Playing my favorite songs on my phone, or on the radio. Cooking food (chopping vegetables is a great stress reliever!)!
But when it all does go haywire, I have to find that peace! I have to settle my own head so I can settle what is going nuts around me.
My best suggestion to anyone is this:
In your moments when you are at peace, when the world isn’t chaos all around you, grab your notepad and pen and start to make a list. Make a list of the things that give you that smile, the calm feeling, the escape from the chaos. Plaster that thing on your fridge, mirror, anywhere you will see it every day, multiple times!
And when you are at a loss, remember Philippians 4:8! Think about the things that bring your smile, give you peace, fill you with joy and make you want to dance. Even if you cannot find the time to do something to calm you, you CAN think about the positive!
Yes. It is easier said than done. Until it becomes a habit. And a habit it can become!
I did it!
And if this scatterbrained, super busy, always distracted mama can do it, I KNOW you can, too!
