“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.” –Proverbs 12:25 NKJV
Last night definitely did not go as planned.
I did not sleep until after 4:30am and woke up close to 10:00am.
Of course, we were all a bit sluggish, not very functional, and honestly, a lot of my planning made space for such a morning.
My boys DID help me with the inside of the house.
We got trash out of the house, washed a bunch of dishes, swept all the floors, and cleaned up the main part of the house nicely.
Also, I woke up almost pain-free! It was a good start to the day, at least. 😊
Tonight wasn’t so bad either.
I went to work at my job (that I LOVE), did some more cleaning there, read a little, and did other, work-related things.
The twins went to bed for a nap before I left for work, so everyone at my house got a little break before the evening fun began.
This is where I just need to sing some praises for a second.
My grandmother is A SAINT!
She comes over to help out with the twins, and she really loves doing it.
It gives her something to feel needed for, and she is bonding with the twins so well!
They adore her, and she just soaks up every little snuggle and cuddle she can get from them.
I love walking in the door and seeing her sitting with one twin in her lap and the other standing beside her at the couch. She has a smile a mile wide and they are just talking up a storm to each other in my living room. It’s picturesque.
Grandma is safely at home with Grandpa now, and everyone is either asleep or at least settled here, now.
So, I sit here again, writing up some lists and ideas for another good tomorrow.
I’m pretty excited about it, really.
And that gives me another tidbit to share…
I used to say, “I hope tomorrow is better.” And I would critique myself and my day (my own worst enemy, right?!).
As I write in my journal, planner, or make my lists now, however, I write down the good things.
“We got everything on my list done today!”
“We got some things done today.”
“Nobody fought like cats and dogs today.”
“School was done in record time!”
“School actually got done today!”
It doesn’t even matter how small the good is, if there is good to be found I will use it.
It is important, because we are in a time when depression is heavier, anxiety is higher, and fear is greater.
Missing the school days…
I have seen my children fall into depression because they cannot hang out with friends, or maybe they are completely disconnected from friends and other support, and all we have is us, in our home, doing our best to stay safe and healthy in every way we can.
Of course, I have to work. This is a necessity!
It doesn’t matter how bad things get out there, it seems. The bills must still be paid. The car still needs gas for appointments, work, and getting those groceries my kids are wiping out in record time.
And so, we keep moving.
We keep going forward, every step we can.
So what if we take a few steps back now and then. As long as we are moving, we will make it.
I am doing all I can, and I am working with my boys to help me by doing all they can.
Yep, we have burn-out days. I get frustrated with their lack of interest in helping. I get upset when they try to avoid school (gotta love remote learning…not!), and I get discouraged when they are impossible to talk to, reason with, and work with.
But we have come such a long way from who and where we were three years ago, two years ago, and even one year ago!
Things have been gradually changing for the better, and that’s the point! We are moving! Taking those steps. Climbing that mountain. Moving those obstacles. Creating the life we only dreamed would be a reality “some day.”
I’m pretty excited! And I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds for my little family, now. 😊
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein
Tonight is just a “flare up” night for me, so I am sitting up in my bed, pondering life, drinking some coffee, and typing away on my computer…
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
My body has been telling me to rest for a few days now, and last night was when it finally shut down for a solid sleep. I slept until 10am today!
My little family enjoyed dinner at my grandparent’s house this afternoon, just our little crew, then I walked back to my house to lay the twins down for a nap and fell asleep again myself.
Yeah, my exhausted-self needed it.
Who would have thought Holidays would be so odd this year?
One year ago, when we were all gathered around tables, groups of many, eating food, telling stories, and just sharing and enjoying each other’s company, none of us could have predicted what the near future held!
But here’s the thing…
Had it not been for our advanced technology, medical knowledge, amazing people working to save lives, and putting some of these guidelines into practice this year, there would be a lot less people celebrating right now.
I thought back on things like the “plague” and how that would wipe out entire villages and cities in one giant wave.
While we have been devastated by this pandemic, the outcome today is far different than it would have been without the things we have to fight it with.
And the people. The amazing people!
I felt safe enjoying the company at my grandparent’s house today, but I was still cautious. I think we will be for some time.
It has certainly given me pause to think about the other viral things that haven’t been circulating as much as they had EVERY year that I can remember: Stomach bugs, flu, strep, and more!
Every year, my house falls victim to more than one virus.
This year, we have lived under a fog of Lysol, doused in soapy water and Germ-X, and constantly wiping things down with sanitizing wipe thingies.
We have been eating more fresh foods, keeping healthier diets, taking more and more vitamins and herbal supplements, and I gotta say my skin, hair, and nails are celebrating these changes!
And this year I haven’t had to buy boxes of Kleenex, cold and flu medicines, cough drops, or fever reducers.
Epiphany!
So… what if, after the Covid thing is gone, we actually keep up with the healthier choices??!
Um, Yes!
Now, I know that the mass majority will return to life as usual (I suspect anyway), but as for me and my house we are creating new habits that I plan to hold onto for the rest of our lives!
I love the fact that we have been, for the most part, sickness-free, and the kids are enjoying it as well.
Now, if I can just get the fibro to settle down, we will be on a roll!
That’s another thing I have been thinking about as I sit on my bed, pondering, at nearly 2am…
Weird pain.
I’ve had weird pains all around for several years, now, and I remember ending up in the ER because the pain accompanied strange, numbing sensations, on one side of my face and neck.
After that one episode I didn’t have that kind of issue again, but I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in 2015 which listed several symptoms I was experiencing.
In the summer of 2018, the anxiety started to subside, along with many of the symptoms.
But the pain stayed, and within a year it got worse.
I remember when I started noticing it more and more. I would be washing dishes and my arms would just ache. From my hands all the way to my shoulders, the pain was in my muscles and would intensify when I flexed or moved my arms.
My legs already had issues, which we assumed was RLS, as it would be worse at night when I was trying to sleep. But now they just… hurt. Anytime. All the time!
I have days when I feel completely normal, can function normally, and things are great.
Then I have days when getting out of my bed takes every ounce of energy I have.
I cry, get angry, confused as to why this is happening, and often discouraged before my feet hit the floor.
At least the days when I feel those emotions are few and far between.
Most of the time my kids are total rock stars, and they help me out and help do things that I would normally do around the house.
Sometimes, when I have more bad days than good, the poor kids end up with a little burn out of their own and honestly, I can’t blame them. But those are sometimes the days when the emotions run heavy along with the pain.
This week has been more bad days than good.
Thankfully, I have medication that helps with the pain and all that, but I still fight with my own mind over why it seems like this thing kicks my butt so easily!
And on nights like tonight, when I can feel it slowly easing from my body, the pain lifting and my ability to get up and go returning, I start to plan.
I make lists. My “to do” lists, things that I need to get done before the next flare up begins.
Most of my lists are your normal, mom-style to-do lists, with a little extra on the side.
I make menus for myself and the kids. Menus for us as a family, and then some “on your own” kinds of things for my Rockstar children, in case I have bad days coming up.
I set up grocery pickup to get all the food I know we will need for our family for at least a week.
I get all the things in order in my head, on paper, and on the white board in my dining room (at least on the white board after we all get up the next morning).
I have been spending a lot of my better days cleaning out the garage, TRYING to do the same in the breezeway, and I have got to get my hands on my yard again!
So tonight, I am going to sign off from my rambling and get some rest, and if tomorrow is a good day (as I think and hope it will be), I will be working hard on getting things done again.
Fingers crossed, my friends! Because the boys have agreed to help out in a few areas themselves. I’ll have to update you all when the day is done. 😊
I have been on the Single-Parent journey for a while, now.
During the beginning of this chapter in my journey, I felt more chaos than peace. I cried more than I smiled. And I often wondered how I was going to be able to move forward.
And then, the healing that had already started, I finally began to feel!
The top three phrases I hear most often are, “You make it look so easy!” “I don’t know how you do it!” “You have the patience of a saint!”
My dears, it is definitely NOT easy, I have no idea how I do it on some days myself, and my children would not agree with the “patience of a saint” statement at all! Ha!
I have moments when the “Mom guilt” is strong. Moments when lose my temper, forget things (the laundry in the washer hates me the most), lose things, trip over myself walking down the hallway, and have lately been staring at the wall in my bedroom blankly, trying to figure out what I am even doing!
So, let’s talk a minute about when it all goes haywire…
I KNOW I am not alone when I say this year has been an overhaul of the unexpected, unpredictable (and predictable, sadly), unplanned, unprepared, and uncertainty! Times ten!
We, as parents and families, have been through the mill!
And the year keeps on giving…
I have five kiddos. Everyone who follows me knows this. Three of them are each in their own school right now.
My oldest is a freshman in high school.
My second son is in 8th grade (the junior high in our district).
My third son is in 4th grade at the elementary school.
All of them are in the same “blended learning” group. Group B. They attend their schools for a half day on Tuesday and Thursday every week.
All other days they are supposed to do online learning with their school-provided-chrome books.
Two of them have IEPs. Their classwork is set up differently than the third. And that one (the one without the IEP) is currently going through puberty… Jesus Help Me!
The twins were invited to join early headstart programming via “home-based-classrooms” and I was already set beyond my limit, so I declined that option for this year.
So where does it go haywire?
Well, it starts when there are medical appointments
Education appointments
Other appointments
Kids falling behind on their schoolwork
Begging not to have to go to school on their half days
Juggling all five of them plus the housework
The car acting up (again)
The fridge falling apart (again)
Mom’s business falling short on sales and losing income to cover the bills
Cabin fever
Sibling fights that go from verbal to physical in .25 seconds
Bedtime battles with the older kids (because the twins go to bed at the same time every night!)
Did I mention that this has become a daily issue? Like, this is not “every once in a while.” NO. This is current, real time, common struggle.
What I am describing is all within the past… few weeks.
And then comes Sunday… when the battle to attend church is in full swing. That battle begins on Saturday evening, typically.
But that is another blog post entirely for another day. And trust me, it’s a good one!
Now, where is the peace?
I’m so glad you asked!!
I want to share what I did when I laid the floor in my bedroom a couple months ago.
I sat on my floor and wrote Bible verses ALL OVER it!
I spent hours on the phone with my mom, going over the verses that fit my situation, me personally and me as a mother, my family, our lives, and the things we have been through. We talked and I wrote, all over the place!
The flooring underneath is covered in verse after verse about peace, joy, love, blessings, calm, grace, mercy, forgiveness, faith, miracles, and so much more!
One of my absolute favorites is Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things.” (NKJV)
Some others I wrote are
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
“Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
“And He said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9
“He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” Isaiah 40:29
These are just a few of MANY verses I wrote all over my floor!
Why am I sharing this? Because this is where my peace comes from!
When it all goes nuts, I go to God! I go to Him in prayer, or in the Bible.
Now, I understand many people get their peace from many places. It can come from angry cleaning the house to your favorite angry music (I do this as well), or going for a walk, run, bike ride, or just getting out of the house for a bit alone. Peace can come from many places!
You all know me. Mine comes from my writing. And I look in many places for inspiration to write and encourage myself and all of you in your journeys as well.
There are days when I cannot find my peace by reading my Bible. Sometimes I’m not near it, sometimes I am not able to sit and read, and sometimes I can’t focus. Those days happen! Sometimes peace is hard to get a hold of.
And, of course, the Bible isn’t the only place I find peace. I find it playing with the twins. Playing my piano. Playing my favorite songs on my phone, or on the radio. Cooking food (chopping vegetables is a great stress reliever!)!
But when it all does go haywire, I have to find that peace! I have to settle my own head so I can settle what is going nuts around me.
My best suggestion to anyone is this:
In your moments when you are at peace, when the world isn’t chaos all around you, grab your notepad and pen and start to make a list. Make a list of the things that give you that smile, the calm feeling, the escape from the chaos. Plaster that thing on your fridge, mirror, anywhere you will see it every day, multiple times!
And when you are at a loss, remember Philippians 4:8! Think about the things that bring your smile, give you peace, fill you with joy and make you want to dance. Even if you cannot find the time to do something to calm you, you CAN think about the positive!
Yes. It is easier said than done. Until it becomes a habit. And a habit it can become!
I did it!
And if this scatterbrained, super busy, always distracted mama can do it, I KNOW you can, too!
If there is one thing that I KNOW I’m not going through alone, it is the return to school for my children during a pandemic.
Oh. My. Word!
Social Distancing, wearing masks, only going to school for two days, half days at that, and the rest online learning. It’s all part of a phrase I have come to loathe, personally: “The New Normal.”
Just, no.
It isn’t normal, new or otherwise, but it is an adjustment that we all have to deal with, one way or another, whether we like it or not.
Many people have chosen to homeschool their children this year. Many have waited for the day their children would return to the schools again.
For myself and my family, thus far, we are doing the “blended learning” program that our district has offered.
Why?
Because I NEED some time to myself (well, with the twins too), to get some things done, daily “office” type things, and my online work selling my glorious Scentsy stuffs! (Yes Lawd!)
And because my boys NEED to spend some time out of the house!
Cabin Fever was a thing, and a very intense thing, for a while this spring/summer! I prefer not to repeat the stress that came with that before the older boys went to their dad’s place for a time.
It continued while they were gone, for all of us.
Yes, Micah and I kept busy doing the remodel of the bedrooms, moving things, dumping things, organizing, and cleaning things, but we didn’t leave the house.
Titus and Levi did the bare minimum while with their father, because of the restrictions, and they were confined to their spaces there as well.
When they returned home, we got ready for school to begin.
Boy… was that fun! NOT!
Emails from the schools, parent surveys about remote learning and blended learning programs, the options for social distancing and if parents would comply or prefer to keep their children at home. The list goes on!
Do we buy school supplies, or do we buy computers?
Do we prepare for school attendance with extra laundry detergent, bleach, Clorox wipes, sanitizers, etc., or do we buy a deep freezer and stock up on extra food because we are about to have ALL our kids home all day, every day?
And then there’s the masks…
If the kids went to school, they would wear masks… the entire time!
Stress!
I paced my house, daily, looking at my space. I wondered if I would need to move things around to make more space for small desks or tables, get chairs for said desks, or if I should be buying backpacks and supplies.
I filled out the parent surveys, sent them in, and waited…
Then we got the notice that blended learning was optional, and so was full remote learning.
Uhm…
Yeah, my kids are going to school!
So, what is the schedule of the blended learning program our district has put together?
I’m so glad you asked!
My boys are in “group B” and attend on Tuesday and Thursday every week, from 8am to 12:30pm. The remainder of the week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, they do online learning via the chromebook computers provided on loan by the district for the academic year.
We are currently in week four…
I still have my hair.
It is turning gray.
We have a wretched sleep schedule!
Online days are rough. Attendance days are not quite as rough.
I get some time to do bigger projects in the house while they are gone for a half day, and it feels good to have my time to dance with the broom, and sing into my kitchen utensils turned microphone while I clean them and put them away.
The twins enjoy my antics, and I am rewarded with many giggles, squeals, applause, and they are even starting to mimic my noises and behaviors. It’s gold!
Developing a functional routine in a blended learning environment has proven to be a challenge. It’s not at all the same, or as simple, as it is not consistent… yet.
It will be. It is just taking some time, adjustment, and more patience than I think I have at this time. Ha!
With all the computers, folders, papers, schedules, appointments, and that’s just the three older boys, I am a busy human!
I’m not sure when (or if) we will figure out a functional routine for this blended learning thing, but we are doing our best. Between me, three kids in school, two babies needing more and more active attention, and a house to keep up with, I’m a tired mama by the end of each day.
But! On the days when my checklist gets beyond the halfway point completed, I go to bed that night quite content! I make insane checklists for myself, and I keep thinking of more and more to add to them as the day goes on, so if I get through the parts that I created the night before I’m a happy camper!
But that’s a blog for another day. LOL!
Point is, we aren’t settled in a pattern yet. We may never be. And that’s okay. This is a year of crazy things, drastic changes, things beyond our control, and unexpected twists and turns all the way around. We haven’t been okay for months.!
It’s okay to not be okay.
That is something I cannot say enough.
I have been blessed with super resilient children. That is a blessing and a curse at the same time, because they learn to adapt to change, and some changes are not that great… but they adapt to them, and creating structure in the aftermath of such changes can be… difficult.
Because what is harder to kill than anything else?
Bad habits…
And THAT is also another blog for another day. LoL!
I would LOVE to hear your back to school stories. Your struggles, your victories, and the journey you are on with your children!
This is interactive! In so many ways!
I want to be there for you. I want to support you! And I would love your support and encouragement as well!
I have come a long way in the past couple of years.
I have peace, joy, happiness, and a lot more patience than I have in a very long time!
Are my circumstances different? Not really… but I see them differently!
My life has purpose!
My trials are lessons, my sufferings are strengthening, and I am having so many growth moments! Every day there is a reason to smile, a lesson to learn, and so many chances to pray!
Now, are my experiences different? YES! I do NOT make the same mistakes I did in the past!
One of the amazing things about forgiveness of God is that I have been able to bury it all, just as He did! I am LIBERATED!
I used to use the “turn your stumbling blocks into steppingstones” phrase a lot in years past, but recently I adopted another one… “turn your stumbling blocks into tombstones.”
And this is where God stepped in!
I went to all my pain. All the hurts, the wrongs, the mistakes, the choices made, people I allowed to influence my mind and heart, words I said, the things done to me, said to me, and all the weapons I allowed to hurt me… and I buried them.
Every. Single. One.
And upon each of those graves, I erected a tombstone. There is nothing on that tombstone, just a smooth face, reflecting the light of God shining down on my life. They need no name. My mind will carry the memories of them well enough on its own, so I don’t need the extra reminder of what and who they were.
Only Grace.
“…But where sin abounded, Grace did much more abound.” – Romans 5:20(b)
It’s glorious!
I am changed! I am a walking testament of Romans 12:1-2 where Paul speaks to the church, beseeching them to present themselves as living sacrifices, acceptable to God… and that they be not conformed to this world, but TRANSFORMED by the renewing of the mind.
Y’all… let me tell you!
When you open your mind to Grace, you open your world up to a whole new level of Joy!
I spent so long being angry and bitter, my face froze that way! I remember people constantly asking me “You ok? Something wrong? Are you mad?” and I wasn’t! I was just minding my own business!
Today that face no longer exists! I smile, I laugh, I giggle, and I sing all over the place! In my house, my car, the yard, waking the kids up in the morning, playing with the babies, doing the laundry, or driving down the road!
Because God!
Not me!
I tried making it on my own!
I tried healing my own wounds. I tried getting over my own hurts, and backtracking from my own mistakes. I didn’t want anyone’s help, and I most definitely didn’t want to prove some people right and have to rely on a church family for anything! Why would I go back to my first hurt?!
But this is where God stepped in!
Listen…
I am a child of God. I am beloved of Him, and I am His!
Even when I walked away, He stayed with me. He walked with me through it all. And even though I felt like all was lost, broken, and gone, He held my doubting heart and carried it through the worst of it all!
One passage changed my world, sitting all by myself in my bed one day, reading and trying to find SOMETHING that would lift me up…
Isaiah 43:1-2 “But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.’”
After all this time! I never was alone, at all! YES!
And then… I knew I would have to face my greatest fear eventually: Going to church.
Why did I need this? Because we cannot survive on our own. Yes, God is enough! Yes, God has us! But God also instructs us to forsake NOT the assembling of ourselves… because this is necessary for so many reasons!
Why did I not want to go? Because it was the people there who hurt me first, and the place where my mind would convince me was the blame for my choices as I walked farther and farther away.
But go, I did. And I am happy to say I am quite alive after that experience. Ha!
No, really though. I am happy in the place where God has set me for now, and I am learning. I am growing. And I am excited that I have this freedom, this joy, and the genuine smile I thought I would never get back!
Change is good, my friends. And as more changes come, they will also be good! I do not fear the unknown as I used to. I look forward to it with excitement and anticipation!
When I sit here and think about the summer months of the great 2020 year, I can’t help but sigh.
It’s been a long year.
Longer than most, and yet, it has flown by with a fierce speed.
But we’ve been busy.
I was going to try to post some blogs about the updates in our little house, the summer visit my older boys had with their father, the twins first birthday, milestones, remodeling adventures, garden greatness, and so much more!
But…
Every time I sat down to write about one thing, all the rest would hit me, and I got jumbled.
And then there are the distractions…
Housework, laundry, the tasks of motherhood, appointments, grocery shopping, and more.
Like I said… busy.
So, here I sit. Pondering. So much has occurred this summer, and we are already standing at the open door of the new school year, which starts for our district in five days.
Before we talk about how THAT is going to go, I need to at least try to cover the highlights of the summer months that I missed out on…
We did a huge thing while T and L were gone to their dad’s for part of the summer.
We refloored two bedrooms, moved everyone around into different rooms, and gutted parts of the house of things that needed to be gone for almost two years, now.
Bags and boxes were filled, removed from the house, and donated to those in need.
More bags and boxes were filled and set out with the garbage to be removed from our lives forever.
Carpet was ripped up. Old tiles were ripped up. Minor repairs were made where they could be, and new flooring was laid.
We moved furniture, boxes, totes, toys, baby things, big kid things, TV’s, shelves, and more!
It was a construction crew of 3 (my mom, my dad, and myself), sometimes 4 when my son was helping, and we did it over the course of about 6 weeks.
Did I mention we’ve been busy?
Not too bad, if I do say so myself!
During the weeks that T and L were gone we managed to clean out all kinds of clutter, organize closets, put away seasonal clothes that took up space, re-arrange furniture, rooms, storage, etc.! It was glorious!
During that course of time my sister had a birthday, the twins first birthday happened, the county youth fair took place, Holidays, and other events as well. But we did it! We got it done!
Not to mention the harvest from the garden that started, and continued, throughout the ENTIRE TIME! That made for interesting produce sizes… LOL!
The night before the boys came back home, we got all the big stuff moved, the beds made (kinda), and everything ready for their return!
And now, they are home.
We have continued to harvest from the garden, keep the house managed almost as well as I hoped we would, maintain a routine and schedule (with some minor hiccups that are beyond our control), and even got a trampoline this week to babysit the older three! Ha!
Yeah… we stayed busy. Just a little.
It’s been a long summer. A fast summer. A slow year. A weird season in our lives. And yet… weird as it has been, it has been good.
It has been good for my mind, my health, my heart, my family, and my spirit.
I have grown so much in the 7 months that 2020 has given us, so far.
I am excited about the things that have happened up to this point, and even more excited about the things to come! It’s going to be a great year!
