Some Days I do Some Days I don’t

Some Days I do Some Days I don’t

by | Jan 15, 2020 | Anxiety, Depression, Family, House Work, Motherhood, Motivation, Parenting

Some days I have everything together. I get up and feel motivated to take on the world! I get things done, whether I’ve had coffee or not. I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, and accomplish more than the little goals I set for myself for the day or the week. I just… rock!

And then, some days I don’t.

The past couple of years have been a complete roller coaster for myself and my little troop of kiddos!

You know those days I said I have everything together? Yeah, those days that I made it work and succeeded in my world seemed to be so few and far between.

The days I couldn’t function outnumbered the days I could by far.

My bed was everything, sometimes for days on end. It was my sleeping space, my workspace, school space, entertainment center, table for food, and just where the kids even came to hang out with me, because I just wouldn’t leave it.

I spent so many months in solitude, overwhelmed with daily life, emotions, worry, anxiety, and depression. It kept me down, literally.

Circumstances threw me to the ground and life stomped on me for a while.

It happens.

It happens to us all at one point or another.

Fast forward to today…

I have stood tall, dusted myself off from the falls in life, and carried on to the best of my abilities. It’s not been easy, not by a long shot! But I’ve done it, and I continue every day, working hard to do better than the day before.

But that doesn’t always happen.

Today is one of those days that I don’t.

My motivator is broken.

My thinker is overthinking.

It sucks!

The cool thing, though, is I can still turn a day I don’t into a day that I do!

Sometimes the inspiration comes on like a lightning bolt, surging me into action and things get done so fast I lose myself in the momentum!

And sometimes I have to pep-talk myself into action, then continue my own verbal encouragement every step of the way.

I’m not sure what today will be, but if I get ONE thing done, completed, today I will have succeeded.

On one of my “Do” days, a friend told me I make this single mom of five kids thing look easy.

I laughed out loud!

No, honey. I just had a day where I connected, somehow, with Superman and he loaned me some supernatural energy from Krypton, and things got done before I collapsed in my bed HOPING it would stay done for maybe the rest of the evening!

Not only do I have five children, but four of them are boys!

This is not an easy task for a single mama.

Even the neatest of boys leave their socks in the living room floor where they took them off while playing video games. And my boys aren’t “neat.”

On my “do” days, I clean this house like a machine, and all the things left behind by my not-so-neat boys get removed from sight and placed where they belong.

On my “don’t” days, I become a drill sergeant. Ranting at them to clean up after themselves before I unplug every electronic in the house and pile them all up in the shed outside.

Yeah, we still must find a happy medium there. Working on that.

And what’s worse is my children always seem to be on the same level of motivation as me!

So, when I’m “doing” they are in the mood to “do” as well. But they are at school while I’m getting everything done that they would do, and they come home inspired with nothing left to get done (besides their bedrooms, which they NEVER have the motivation to “Do”).

And then, on the days I “don’t” they don’t either, and we all end up frustrated and griping all over the house while things may, or may not, get done.

Sigh…

I’m raising a house full of empaths. Lovely.

Now, coming back from that squirrel I just chased after…

I really do have more “Do” days than “Don’t” days anymore, and that’s a huge step forward from where I was even one year ago!

And my reasons for the “don’t” days are completely different than they were a year ago too! Again, huge step forward!

Then it was overwhelming emotions, drama in my life, and depression.

Now it’s overwhelming piles of STUFF, not enough room for any of it, and trying to re-attain my ability to multitask like I used to a decade ago.

Is that possible? I mean, I am ten years older now…

Hmm…

But for now, I am going to post this blog, turn up my music, and attack SOMETHING that needs to be done in my house today.

Wish me luck!

All the love,

Becca

One of Those Weeks

One of Those Weeks

by | Jan 12, 2020 | Anxiety, Back To School, Family, Motherhood, Parenting

I’m sitting here tonight, pondering my week. And it’s been one of “those” weeks.

Part of me feels like a superhero, and the other part feels completely and utterly wiped out!

Let’s talk about the wiped-out part of me first.

The boys went back to school Monday. My oldest son missed Tuesday, which is rare. I rescheduled appointments I had Tuesday as well. We stayed home and did some housework and he got to sleep off his yucky feeling.

For some reason, this entire week has been a bit of a struggle.

Every morning I would get up, try to function, consume large amounts of coffee in an attempt to stay awake and do the things, and find myself lacking in my motivation until long after the kids came home from school in the afternoon.

And then, every night I would sit on my bed and look over the events of my day. I would be frustrated with myself at my lack of productivity, motivation, and inspiration. I had ideas, so many ideas, from the night before. I would write down something new every night, in hopes that I would wake up the next morning and be inspired to do something better.

And every day I would be disappointed in myself.

But we will not stay on the negatives tonight. Yes, it has been a rough week. It has been a week of little to no success in my plans for myself. But this week hasn’t ended on a totally negative note! And that is what is most important!

Here is what was important about my week…

I woke up every day, on time to get the kids on their buses for school. The kids got on their buses for school.

The babies were fed, changed, entertained, and happy all week.

I kept up with dishes and laundry all week.

We have food in the house, and the whole family ate well every day.

The older boys showered every day this week (and for moms of boys, you KNOW this was an accomplishment)!!!

We made it through the yucky weather last night/this morning with minimal panic, and all was well.

I may have gone to bed every night with some struggle against myself, because I wanted to do better, but I went to bed with the reminder to myself that I did it. I made it through every day, on my feet, doing all the things that NEEDED to be done, even if I didn’t accomplish the things I WANTED to get done.

Here’s where I felt like a bit of a superhero…

I did this alone. With five kids. And I do it every day.

I have the support of my own heroes every day. My mother has helped me immensely with grocery shopping. My grandmother has come and helped out a lot when I feel dragged down. My older three boys have done so many things to help me out (besides cleaning their rooms, of course).

Even with the helpers, the support, and the assistance with some things here and there, I still feel the weight of being a single mom. A single mom of five. And THAT is why I feel both like a superhero and exhausted!

So tonight, I am going to be very happy with myself and my week. I made it through to the end, once again, and I rocked it! I rocked those dirty dishes every day (with no dishwasher but my two hands, I might add). I rocked that laundry from the washer to the dryer to the mountain of clean laundry baskets in my dining room. I rocked those dinners every night, whether they were chicken nuggets and fries or roast with all the trimmings.

I’ve been told, “I don’t know how you do it!” and I’ve been told, “You make that look so easy!” Well, it’s not easy in the least, and I don’t know how I do it either! But I do it and so far, so good!

If I can do it, I KNOW you can too!

You got this, and I got your back! I see you, and I am cheering you on every step of the way. The struggle is real, and while that sounds like a cliché quote it is very true! This is real life, and real life is a struggle now and then. Some struggles last a little longer than others, but in the end, we have survived so far!

It’s been quite the week in my home, and I’m sure you have had quite a week yourself! Whether it be with the kids, work, housework, school, or family stuff going on, WE made it through this one!

That’s exciting!

And you know what? I’m going to get up tomorrow with a new “wish list” for myself. And if I don’t get it all done, it will be okay. Because the important things will be done, and everything else is just extra accomplishment.

Rest tonight, my friends. Rest and know it’s a new week with new possibilities and opportunities for amazing things!

Much Love!

Becca

Day One Or Day One Thousand?!

Day One Or Day One Thousand?!

by | Jan 6, 2020 | Anxiety, Back To School, Depression, Family, Lifestyle, Motherhood, Parenting

So, tonight I am sitting on my bed, exhausted in more than one way after the return to school for the boys.

I mean, really! Was this day one, or day 1,000?!

Let’s just kick this off with a classic “Becca Moment” from last night.

I fell asleep last night while setting my alarm on my phone!

Lucky for me, I woke up three minutes before it would have gone off anyway. How, I still don’t know, but I’m so glad I did!

I got Trooper #3 up first, he got ready to go and made his bus on time. This is rare!

Troopers #1 and #2 were not so easy to rise from their comfy places.

The twins slept through the entire ordeal and I was able to enjoy a full cup of coffee before they woke and were ready to be fed. It was glorious!

House cleaning commenced and I am happy to say I accomplished several small things! I may have gotten a little sidetracked along the way…

And then the frustrating parts of my day began.

See, I am trying my best to monetize my blog, so I can generate income from home to support my babies. I am also working on a book! Yes, you read that right. A book.

I was supposed to speak with a writing coach today and she canceled our call because I cannot pay her any money right now. Talk about a let-down! The call itself was free, but she wants me to buy her program, and I understand that. I just cannot give any money to anything other than bills at this time. *sadface*

So, I set to work trying to get my transcripts released from the college I got my degree from, to the regional office of education in my town, so I can get my license to teach. The university claims that I owe them money from a class I did not take, and will not release my transcripts, which are required to complete my licensure.

I was on the phone for over four hours today. Transferred from one rep to another, and then another. Calls got dropped and I had to start over again.

It was not my afternoon.

Somewhere in the middle of the phone battle, I started getting text messages from Trooper #2 stating that he was not feeling well and needed to come home. This started around 12:30pm and continued until the end of the day.

No. He is not sick.

He is struggling with some anxiety related to school and his body is affected by his anxiety and stress. This is another hurdle we get to jump together.

The boys got home from school while I was still battling over the phone with colleges and financial departments.

That will continue tomorrow as well.

I prepped food to be cooked for supper. When it was time to make said supper, NOBODY was awake!

I walked around the house like a lost puppy, checking my children for signs of life because it wasn’t even 6pm yet and not even one was making a sound! Good thing they had snacks before they crashed!

So, I came to my bed and got comfortable with my notebooks, journals, planners, Bible, another book I am currently reading, and determination to calm my over-anxious mind.

The struggle is real, folks!

I am taking you along with me on this journey, every step of the way. The good, the bad, and the ugly! Today was a little bit of good with a lot of the ugly. The good will always be my kiddos, my support system, and the knowledge that I am going to get through this.

I have said it before, and I’ll say it again. The outcome will be great, but the process is hard. It is very hard.

Today was just another chapter in this story of joyful chaos. Another piece of the testimony I will use in my amazing success I will achieve some day. That will be a great day, indeed.

But for now, I will focus on the good, deal with the bad, and make the ugly into something beautiful!

It’s the End of Christmas Break!

It’s the End of Christmas Break!

by | Jan 4, 2020 | Family, Holidays, Motherhood, Parenting

Christmas Break Is Almost Over!

And I am overjoyed that my feelings are mutual with other parents all around the nation!

As I scrolled through social media everywhere today, I saw memes, pictures, status updates, blog posts, and more that depict the hilarious joy of parents that the end of the Christmas Break is finally here!

I love my children. I love them very much! And while, thankfully, this restlessness over the holidays is not present during summer breaks from school, this has been a rough month!

Thanksgiving was the closest to the end of November that it can be, and that made the return to school frustrating for my kids. They were only in school again for about 14 school days, and that short period of time was excruciating for me as a mother.

“When does Christmas break start?”

“Why are we only going to school for two weeks?”

“Can’t we be out of school from Thanksgiving until New Year’s?”

“I don’t want to do this homework. What’s the point?”

“I just want to stay home… can we stay home?”

And repeat daily, until the day the long break begins!

Not to mention, I am dealing with twin infants, this house, a broken car, job hunting, and making sure everyone is fed, bathed, and properly rested each night during this tormenting period.

Oh! Period! Yeah, as a woman I also had THAT happen during this time! Glorious, right?

And then, FINALLY, Christmas Break began!

I was so excited about break! I miss my kids when they are gone to school. If I had the resources they would be homeschooled, hands down! But, I don’t, so they won’t for now…

Anyway, the break begins, and we are full of ideas for fun time spent during this time off.

And then I got sick.

And the twins got sick.

Y’all, RSV is NO JOKE! My middle son had it 9 years ago, when he was only 6 weeks old, and he was hospitalized for a week.

The twins were just past their 5-month mark and Twin 1 got it first. She tested positive for RSV, but he did not. We were in the doctor’s office several times after that first visit, and we also landed in the ER at our local hospital with Twin 2 needing some breathing treatments and whatnot. This was where he finally tested positive for the same.

During all this time, I was sick as well. Sinuses, cough, chest pains, just the whole shebang! My 12-year-old son teased me mercilessly, saying I was “Finally going through puberty!” and having a laugh at my voiceless expense.

Germ-X became my friend. Lysol as well. I carried all the antibacterial anything I could get my hands on around with me, making the boys use it at every turn.

Christmas break was NOT what we intended, not in the least!

My older three musketeers were developing a case of cabin fever that was unlike any other they have had before. The petulant requests for activities became worse than their nagging about the break beginning.

I think God knew I would need a bit of a reprieve, because the weather warmed up and they got to spend hours outdoors, nearly every day of their break!

Of course, the closer we got to Christmas Day, the more the older kids were requesting to “open just one gift tonight” every night before Christmas Morning.

Christmas Day itself turned into quite the conundrum, with some rough planning, communication issues, and unexpected changes in plans, I was left with three frustrated boys and I myself was a little irritated as well. Being sick and frustrated at the same time… not the best combination at all!

To top it off, my mother got sick as well! Christmas week, no less!

Family dinner at my parents’ house wasn’t bad, but it was definitely unlike the normal events we experience there. I felt rough. Mom felt rough. Dad had also been sick and was still recovering, so he felt rough. The twins were miserable. My sister’s sons were also coughing and feeling puny that day.

It was interesting.

After a few, slightly (physically) miserable hours, the boys and I loaded our things into the car and got ready to go.

The car, my broken car, was dead.

It needed to be jump-started before I could bring my collection of kiddos back home.

And the week between Christmas and New Year’s was a mirror image of the week before. Sickness, doctor visits, more sickness.

And finally, here we are!

I’m better. The twins are better. And school starts back Monday!

I couldn’t be happier, and I couldn’t be more afraid. I’m excited that life can return to a somewhat normal routine again, but I’m nervous about sickness that remains all around our region, and how my boys going back to school could end up bringing a whole, new virus into our home after we just got rid of this one.

That being said, come on Monday!! I’ll be armed and ready with my Germ-X, antibacterial shower gels, hand soaps, and Lysol sprays! Vitamin C will be the main course of every meal in my home! I may be nervous about more sickness, but this mama is ready for some progress! And progress in my home can only come when the kids are gone to school.

Can I get a witness?!

Tis The Season Of Yuck

Tis The Season Of Yuck

by | Dec 30, 2019 | Family, Family Health, Holidays, Lifestyle, Motherhood, Parenting, Self Care

I don’t know about you, but this mama is TERRIFIED of sending my older three boys back to school at the end of their Christmas Break! The influenza monster is running its vicious circles around my community (and many others around the nation) and my infant twins have already seen their fair share of sickness with their recent diagnosis of RSV last week!

Thankfully, my older boys have escaped the flu, and any other sickness, thus far. How? I have no idea, honestly! The babies and I have been sick for over a week, but I am convinced my older boys have somehow grown ironclad immune systems! I am grateful, for sure, because my hands have been fuller than my infected sinuses!

Hands down, this has been the most active “sick season” I have seen in a long time! Between blowing my own nose, coughing until I can’t breathe, or I choke on air, aches and pains, fever and chills, not sleeping but dozing all the time, and THEN the twins!

Coughing, sneezing, wheezing, breathing issues, crying, snotting, puking, fussing, tossing and turning, sucking the YUCK out of their noses, and REPEAT every few hours…

Did I forget bottles and diapers? Oh yeah… those too!

And somewhere along the way I think I remembered to fix food, feed the three older kids and myself, and shower. But I’ve slept since then, so don’t get too close. I could be wrong!

Now, as I sit here and type this post for you all, I want to share that we are approaching the road to recovery, slowly! That in itself is an improvement, so I’m relieved beyond words!

At one point I thought how amazing it was that I didn’t forget I have the three older boys in all this mess, but then I remembered… it’s Christmas break, and they are taking advantage of that in EVERY sense of the term! Noise-making gifts, gaming add-ons, movies and videos, this “booty scooter” thing that they literally ride through the hallway and into the kitchen until they hit a wall or the fridge, and it’s been super warm outside so there’s the constant opening and closing of the doors as they run in and out of the house enjoying their time off from school.

In all the fuss and fun that they have been enjoying, I will say that they are still my superheroes! Anytime I needed help with the babies, they were there. Anytime I needed help with cleaning or cooking, they were there. I am blessed beyond measure with my little tribe!

But let me bounce back to the first statement I made in this post: I am TERRIFIED of sending them back to school after this break! The flu is everywhere! People are testing positive for it all around us! I have become the Germaphobe Nazi Mom!

There are bottles of Germ-X, Lysol, Clorox Wipes, and every other hand and antibacterial soap everywhere in my home right now! Nobody can walk into my bedroom without washing their hands at least once, and then Germ-X mandatory! I keep these “Wet Ones” wipes on the crib so I can use them to wipe down anything I plan to use on, or hand to, the babies. (Which reminds me, I need to get more…*writes that on the list*)

I have stocked up on the Airborne Vitamin C with Zinc and am making the boys take it daily. Sometimes I remember to take it myself, and sometimes I forget. But, I’m already sick and they aren’t! Prevention!!!

As me and the wee ones begin the road to recovery, I am praying, hoping, and keeping my fingers crossed that we don’t bring ANY new virus into this house again this season. Mama be tired!

If You’re Not Okay At Christmas

If You’re Not Okay At Christmas

by | Dec 22, 2019 | Anxiety, Depression, Family, Holidays, Self Care

Christmas is a season of joy, sharing, caring, love, and lots of food and presents.

There are lights, trees, and glittering decorations inside and outside houses all over the world.

Christmas music is played in nearly every public place, and the smell of pies, cookies, and various candies fill the air.

The world of social media has created an image of this season that is absolutely gorgeous! Posts and pictures of babies, families, decorations, lights, and videos of concerts, skits and plays, funny parodies, and sentimental renditions of the most iconic Christmas songs ever written.

There are advertisements everywhere for the best gift ideas to get for loved ones. The world is shining with the spark of the season.

But some people are not okay at Christmas.

For some, this season hurts like no other, and it springs up a depressive state that is almost impossible to escape.

Amid the joys, lights, songs, and tearing of wrapping paper are hearts that are broken, heavy, and bruised.

Some will be celebrating their first Christmas without a parent, grandparent, child, or other family member.

Some will be celebrating their own final Christmas.

Some cannot buy gifts for their children and are struggling with that reality.

Some will sit alone on Christmas, while their families gather around a tree.

Some will sit with their families, and still be alone.

Some have sick children this season, whether it be a viral or chronic illness.

There will be split families, divorced parents, and children who are spending Christmas with one or the other.

Yes, this season is about joy, sharing, and uplifting the spirits. So, let us not forget the broken and heavy-laden hearts this Christmas.

This is the best time of the year for so many, but for thousands of others it is the worst time of the year. Some will hide it well. Underneath the smiles and laughter, their pain will be hard to see.

If you know someone who is hurting this year, or anyone who is trying to be strong for someone else, bless them in any way you can.

If you aren’t okay at Christmas, it’s okay.

Reach out to someone this season. Even if you cannot do face-to-face visits, or even talk on the phone. Just go hide in the bathroom for a minute to text and let it all out that way.

Turn on your favorite therapy music (mine is angry music every time) and take a long shower. If you have littles and cannot get away for a shower, set them up with a distraction and just sit with them with your earbuds in and listen to your therapy music that way.

I see you, hurting person. And I want you to know you are not alone. It feels like it will last forever, the pain and agony you feel today. But it won’t. I’ve been there. Heck, I’m still there! Christmas was once the time of year I looked forward to the most, and now I look forward to the close of the season.

Not only do I see you, hurting person, I also understand. We will get through this season together!