After I had my third son, I thought I was done having children.
Boy, was I wrong!
That child is now nine years old, and here I am with infant TWINS…
As I go through the infant stages with the twins, I am also watching my older three boys grow up before my eyes. My oldest is 6ft tall, and he’s 14 years old!
I have found myself thinking about the baby days of my older three lately, and it brings tears to my eyes for multiple reasons.
All I did was blink!
They were babies yesterday!
When he was born, my firstborn son was huge! Weighing 10lb 9os and nearly 2ft long, the staff at the hospital laughingly told this first-time mother I gave birth to a toddler! I remember hearing someone say, “Put some sneakers on this one. He can walk to the nursery!”
Then I blinked.
He was two, and I was giving birth to his brother. Still the biggest baby in the nursery at that time, my second son was not as big as my firstborn. 8lb 10oz and 19in long, my second child looked so tiny compared to his older brother. He had so much hair it had to be cut the first time when he was merely 10 weeks old!
And I blinked again.
Three years later comes my third son, my first unexpected miracle. Even smaller, my third baby weighed 7lb 14oz and was just under 19in long. He was the perfect infant. Never fussy, always smiling and giggling, and a model child… until he found his feet. And since that day, he has been non-stop energy!
I am sure all I did was blink, again!
Here we are, nine years later, and I went from three to five children!
Just. Like. That.
Blink!
This time, I have a girl! The twins are boy/girl fraternal. She weighed 6lb 4oz and he weighed 6lb 2oz. They were a half inch away from each other in length, one 19in and the other just under 20in long. Born in the same clock minute! Around 10 SECONDS apart!
I’m trying not to blink again. Not yet. They are already five months old.
I have found that, in the process of having kids, when you have them a year or two, or maybe three, apart from each other you don’t realize they are growing as fast as they are. The stages of their growth are quickly being repeated by the one who came next, and so on.
It is completely different this time!
I look at the babies I hold in my arms (yes, I hold them both at the same time often), and then I look at my oldest and wonder where the time went! How did it go by so fast?! When did he get taller than me? How does he now sound like a grown man when he speaks?
All I did was blink!
I am so glad I am active in my journaling! I have been so scatterbrained in the past few years that things quickly escape my memory. I have pages and pages of memories written, and memories that have been kept secure for me to look back on, and someday show the kids as well. Funny moments, precious moments, and adventures we embarked on throughout their lives.
For my oldest boys, there aren’t many years left for me to enjoy with them. They will soon be moving out, going to college, joining the military, or starting their careers where their hearts may take them.
I’m trying not to blink.
For the twins, there are still many years to enjoy, but if my future moves as quickly as the past 14 years have…
I’m trying not to blink.
And I have come to realize that, whether I blink or not, time isn’t going to slow down or stop for me. So, I am striving to live in the moments, savoring every amazing day I have with my tribe.
I will take too many pictures, record the best and worst moments on video (even if the boys are discussing poop in detail, or slinging condoms filled with water around their heads calling them water balloons), and share my captured moments with loved ones.
Life is meant to be lived! In the moments! Plan for the future but remember to embrace the present.
Blink, or don’t blink, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you SEE what is in front of you. Don’t miss it.
That nagging, negative, suffocating yuck that is felt deep in the soul, day and night, and lasting anywhere from a day to a month in time!
What is this funk that has taken over so many lately?
Is it the Holiday Season? Was it the recent, full moon? The weather?
Whatever it is, it affects everything in our world. From housework to our jobs, family and friend relationships, communication and listening, even the ability to be mentally present at home. Everything falls under the weight of the yucky, depressiveness that makes the act of getting out of bed an unwelcome chore.
Now, I could ramble on about great solutions and “saving yourself from the funk” but in all honesty this is a monster that every person deals with differently. But I can tell you what has brought me out of mine.
Angry cleaning!
That’s right. I turn on my angry music on YouTube, get out the trusty cleaning supplies and products, and set to the task of scrubbing one room or another from top to bottom!
Now, I am an ADHD cleaner as well, so I can assure you that no single room in my entire house is completely cleaned from the floor to the ceiling. Not at all! But the music is fun. I often dance with the broom or use it as a microphone, as well as any other thing I hold in my hand during a good song. The work isn’t boring (with my three older boys the surprises I find in, under, around, and behind things are glorious!), and I have the twins to smile and squeal at me in the process. Winner!
My downtime is my killer though. Once I start to slow down, my brain goes right back to the yuck and funk, and I have to find other distractions if the cleaning stops working.
Lists.
I am a chronic list-maker! Do I complete all my lists? Nope! But I am most definitely, addicted to writing them! I make lists for everything. To-Do, shopping, menu, alternate menus, alternate To-Do’s, etc.! Last week, however, I decided to try something different. It worked! When I did this, it made me feel so much better at the end of the day! I sat down and read it that night, and my entire being felt accomplished in many ways!
I wrote an “I did it!” list.
I started creating a list of things I wanted to get done that day and stopped myself. I decided to start with a couple of things I had completed already that morning, and then pick up from there. Well, I completed another little thing, wrote that down, and saw a change in my motivation. I finished another thing, wrote it down, finished another, wrote THAT down, and started getting excited! I kept going and going until my front door opened and my children barreled in, making me realize I had worked the entire day away, and didn’t once feel the funk creep in! It was amazing!
Writing.
You would think that, as a writer, I would find solace and clarity in the thing I love. Lately, this has not been the case. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried writing THIS post, scrapped it, rewrote it, scrapped it again, and so on. I talk myself into a good idea and then talk myself right back out of it. This is definitely the post that is going up, though!
Which reminds me (Squirrel!)! My darling mother saw the funk cloud looming over my world, and she decided that I would be leaving my house to go to the store with her last week. At first, I thought it was a great idea. I knew I needed to get out, and honestly, I wanted to. But it didn’t take half an hour for me to talk myself right out of doing anything of the sort. I sent her a text telling her if the babies fell back to sleep, I would just give her my list of needs and stay home. Her reply? Ha! “Well, I won’t be ready to go until X:XXam.” Which basically meant “I know what you’re up to, and I’m not letting you out of this.” And, as life would have it, by the time she was leaving her house the twins were awake again and ready for the day! Good job, Mom.
She came over, helped me get the babies ready to go, and off we went to Wal-Mart.
We were in that store for EVER, but it was such a good time! We shopped, found some awesome stuff, looked around, and found more. And we bought it all!
My mom drives a Buick Encore. Does anyone know how tiny those are?! Yeah… Me, Mom, twins in car-seats with car-seat bases, and groceries, birthday presents, Christmas presents, supplies for parties, cleaning, etc., all crammed into this teeny-tiny car! When we arrived at my house and opened the doors of her vehicle in my driveway, random shopping bags just started dropping to the ground all around the car! We expertly disguised the presents from the children, while having said children assist in hauling the grocery and necessity bags into the house. There was plenty of laughter, smiles, and good times that day. It was exactly what I needed.
Is all of this going to help me tomorrow? I have no idea. I can say that I feel better, tonight, right now, as I write this little story to you. It has reminded me that even in the funk I have had some good days. It’s nice to remember that, especially when the funk feels like it has lasted for weeks when, in reality, it may have only been hanging around for a few days.
I also understand there are things that bring the depression on, things that we cannot control at this moment in time. It’s the Holiday Season. There are those who are going to pass through this season without loved ones for the first time. There are people who cannot afford gifts for their children. There are some who have no income and no support. There will be frustration, exhaustion, depression, overwhelming emotion, and the funk will descend (or already has) relentlessly. I get it. I feel you. I am some people.
This is why I needed to write this. Because I know. I KNOW how this feels.
I am not on the “other side” of my battle just yet. I am still in the muck and mire of the worst days of my life. You all get to watch me come out of this from the bottom up. I am not coming to you after success and victories. I am coming to you from the “rock bottom” scene. And nothing would make me happier than to have you all travel up the mountain with me. In your own victories, your own testimonies, and your own successes! Let’s hold each other up, praise the little wins, relish the small victories, and gain ground with every step of the way.
It doesn’t matter what you do to get out of your funk. What matters is you get out of it. I’m still pulling myself out, but this has helped me immensely. It helped me because I know I am going to reach someone who needed this today. I am speaking life to someone who needs it. And that, my friends, is where I gain my ground.
WE got this! WE will feel the sun’s warmth again. WE will dance in the rain. WE will climb this mountain before us, and WE will shout our winner’s chant at the peak together! I’m in your corner every step of the way!
This post went an entirely different way than I intended! But I am so glad it did!
From one “funky” mother to another, rise up! Slowly, if you have to. But rise all the same. You got this. I got this. WE can do it!
Raise your coffee mug with me for a toast to moms!
Here’s to moms everywhere!
To the married mom: who is raising her children and her spouse (LOL)
To the single mom: the warrior who does it ALL alone
To the mom of the special-needs child: who raises her child among the critics, nay-sayers, and providers of all unsolicited advice
To the mom of multiples (twins and beyond!): who doesn’t have enough arms to go around
To the mom of boys: who sees more mud and living creatures before her nose than most
To the mom of girls: who is submerged in glitter, bling, and whatever fashion is trending
To the mom of both: who gets it all in one
To the mom of infants: who never sleeps
To the mom of toddlers: who STILL never sleeps
To the mom of teenagers: who yet STILL never sleeps
To the mom of the sports kid: Who has no social life other than the next game
To the mom of the scholar: who learns a new academic lesson daily
To the stay-at-home-mom: who sees the same four walls day in and day out
To the working mom (outside the home): who is stretched super thin
To the mom with anxiety: who worries more than most
To the mom with a chronic illness: who struggles with her own health while ensuring the health of her children
To the mom of a child with a terminal illness: who prays for more days with her baby
To the terminally ill mom: who prays the same
To the mom of a mom: who watches as her child accomplishes what she did only “yesterday”
To moms everywhere! All around the world, no matter their situations and circumstance in life, sharing in one common goal; raising their babies to be the best they can be!
I see you, and I salute you!
Now, raise your coffee mugs high with me, for this toast to moms!
Do you have teens or tweens you stay up and worry about when
they aren’t home? Do you have small children who struggle with insomnia, or the
endless need for “a drink of water” every five minutes, for five hours after
bedtime? Are you up every couple of hours with an infant (or more than one?)
who needs fed and changed through the night and day? How about all the above?
Studies show that “motherhood” is the leading cause of lack
of sleep in women (disclaimer: “studies” are my personal experiences,
observations, conversations, and advice from mothers and grandmothers in my
life).
There are many things besides the children themselves that
can lead to sleep deprivation. Let me break it down for you:
Before your first child is even born you may experience: Heartburn Indigestion Gallbladder problems Headaches Nausea Insomnia Stiffness of joints and spine Swelling of hands, feet, and face Blood sugar problems Blood pressure problems Increased appetite Decreased appetite Weird food cravings day and night Constipation (or the opposite!) And the list goes on!
During the infant stage of your child’s life you may
experience the above, PLUS:
Memory loss
Confusion
Brain fog
Clumsiness
The inability to speak in adult tones and use big words (i.e. “I need to go
potty”)
Strange facial contortions to entertain said infants
Dark circles under the eyes
Shaky hands
Wobbly legs
Constant worry that leads to MANY baby monitors and speakers around the house,
and the continuous need to open your eyes and stare into said monitor screen to
search for breathing movement, twitching, baby alertness or sleep patterns,
listen for noises, and possibly spot them looking back at you in the camera.
Because we KNOW they know what they’re looking at!
Increased coffee intake
In the toddler years the above mentioned are only enhanced
by these additions:
Increased stress levels
Hair pulling (sometimes they pull your hair, and sometimes you pull your own!)
Tantrums and meltdowns (not them, you)
Hoarding (gotta hide the snacks somewhere!)
Conditional hearing loss-I like to call it a “tune out” button
Conditional increased hearing abilities (Mom hears all the “no-no’s”)
Forgetting your own name
Fatigue
Stronger arms and legs (have you ever fought with a toddler? Daily?)
Stronger lungs (chasing said toddler before they reach the street)
Supernatural vision and ability to find things nobody else can locate
Bruises and scrapes
New locks for EVERYTHING and all the keys that go with them
Eating random things at random times (those little baby puffs are good!)
Less patience with adults who sound like the kids
Eating and drinking from tiny dishes and cups
A sudden understanding of babble, and amazing interpretation skills
Ability to clean a house in under two hours, but decreased desire to do so
Additional, increased coffee intake
Now, as the children grow, some of the above mentioned may
fall off the list as new things are added. This is not a guarantee, though, and
every mom should be prepared to just…keep adding. Especially if they are adding
more children as the current children continue to grow!
The infant and toddler years have come and gone. Now, the
children are in school, making friends, and Mom thinks she might get some sleep
at long last! Wrong! Let’s take the above mentioned and add the following:
Detective skills-scoping out said child’s friends and their parents
Increased stress levels (yep, they keep going up)
Achieved the “whisper scream”
Ability to stretch a few dollars over several days
Increased adult tones and use of bigger words (I need to go number two)
Lie detecting skills
Sleeping with one eye open ability increased
Sleeping standing up
Sleeping in the car at pick-up for school
Ability to get from house to school to practice faster than a speeding bullet
Relief that there is now online grocery shopping and free pick-up
Bedtime enforcement strategist
Referee skills
Larger coffee maker installation
Eventually… built-in coffee corner in the kitchen
Ok. My own, personal experiences reach as far as the
upcoming list portion, and there they stop… for now. However, I will revisit
this in the future and add to it accordingly.
We enter the tween/teen years! Our list has taken a life of
its own by now, just as the minds of our children have now taken a life of
their own, leading them to believe they know as much (if not more) than their
parents, and adding to the sleepless nights we have already suffered over a
decade by now. Continuing with the above mentioned, we will now add:
Increased stress levels!
Increased detective skills
Lie detector on high alert
Increased phone bill (because they will have phones, and we WILL have locators
on them!)
Increased food budget
Decreased shelf life of said food (it’s gone in hours!)
Higher insurance payments
A second (or third) job for Mom
Return to school for some moms
Less hours in the day
Less hours in the night
More frequent use of paper plates and disposable cups
NON Sleepovers; because who sleeps at a sleepover?
Purchase of stock in Folgers, Keurig, and other coffee companies
Sleep deprivation is real, folks!
They say it is possible to “catch up” on lost sleep, eventually.
I’d love to know who “they” are who believe this to be possible!
I have recently become my mother in words as well! “One of
these days you will wish you took those naps, went to bed at that hour, and
didn’t fight sleep off all the time, when you have kids of your own!”
Yeah…..
So, here’s to those naps you get to sneak in, whether they
be on the couch, in the car, your child’s bed, hidden in the closet, or even in
the shower! You deserve whatever sleep you can get! All of us here at “Team No
Sleep” are in your corner, pillows and blankets in hand! We got your back!
*ends blog post to get up and tend to crying babies…….at
4am*
Oh, the glory of the second trimester energy!! Right?? NOPE!
This mama suffered through the second trimester just about
as much as the first! Minus the bleeding, that thankfully stopped in the
beginning of trimester 2, the real work began with half the energy. All of the
weeks of bedrest, sleep, being sick and weak, and still “momming” for three
boys took everything out of me. I had nothing left to give anyone. But, as the
statistics show, I knew I had a high chance of early delivery and time was
short.
It was time to start making room on the outside of my body
for the two-human addition to the household.
My house is not large, by any means. It’s a small, country
home, built in the 1970’s and the lack of storage and excess space shows (or
doesn’t show). So, I set to work on ideas that wouldn’t cost much and would be
quick to completion. As a single mother, and in a pregnancy riddled with
complications from day-one, finding a job for me was not happening. I turned to
my Scentsy business to bring income to me and my boys, in addition to the MANY
friends and some family who donated supplies, money, and manpower to get the
renovations started.
We tore down walls, moved them, and built them back up. Ripped
up floors to repair lots of long-lasting damage and preparing to lay new
flooring. And, as the baby items began flowing in from my baby registry on
Amazon.com via UPS, FedEx, and personal packages, I found myself with no place
for anything yet! Piles and piles of boxes and packages have surrounded my bed
in my bedroom for weeks!
As I have looked around my little home at the gifts that I,
and the twins, have received, I have found myself overwhelmingly blessed by the
many people who have supported me through this journey! I have cried tears of
joy, frustration, exhaustion, and pure love over the past 30+ weeks of my life,
and I feel that I am not done yet.
There were days when I felt like I could get up and conquer the
world, starting with the piles of dishes and laundry that accumulated over the
days when I was bedridden with sickness and/or exhaustion. Those days were not
as many as the days I felt like my world was too big, too heavy, and too dark
for me to see farther than the pregnant nose on my face. My hands and feet
started swelling early on, earlier than the 20-week mark when they begin
testing for preeclampsia.
I started feeling movement earlier with the twins than I did
with any of my three previous pregnancies. Those were days I felt elated! With
the bleeding scare of the first trimester, the movement was such a blessing!
I gained weight much faster, lost mobility sooner, and
questioned if I was going to survive this time around more than once. I longed
for the energy spike of the second trimester that my previous pregnancies
blessed me with.
As the walls inside my house came down, I felt like the
walls of my own resolve were crumbling as well. I slept a lot when my dad was
here working. I was angry at myself and struggled with “Mom Guilt” for being in
my bed so much.
And then, my boys stepped in! They started helping their
Paw-Paw tear into the walls, toss the trash from inside and outside the house,
and then finally restore the walls in their new places. The bedroom is bigger,
making more room for the wee ones, and the main part of the house is more open
than it was before!
At some point, near the end of the second trimester, I had a
couple better days here and there. I was able to get up and do some things that
needed to be done, schedule and keep appointments for myself and the boys
(beyond my bi-weekly OB appointments), and even cook some awesome meals! I was
excited! It didn’t matter that those days were few and distanced between,
because this mother felt slightly human again!
The belly started popping WAY out, the feet continued to
swell, and I drank so much water I felt like I was drowning in it after a
while. My blood pressure has remained normal so there hasn’t been much concern
for preeclampsia. That, in itself, has been a relief! It was my greatest fear
after the sub-chorionic hemorrhage issue of the first trimester.
Now, another fear has made itself present in my pregnant
life. The closing of the Labor and Delivery wing of the hospital I was to
deliver at in July! It was announced in the beginning of May and caused quite
the uproar among staff and patients alike. But for me, a woman who is currently
on State Insurance because I am unemployed, I am bound to hospitals within my
state. I live at the very edge of my state… in a small town where there is not
a hospital that provides the services I need. The closest one was the one that
closed their L&D. It’s 45 minutes from my home. The next-closest is another
15-20-minute drive depending on traffic.
Talk about a bundle of nerves!!! I’m carrying twins! I’ve
had complications and have been labeled “high-risk” with possibility of
pre-term labor! I’ve only had c-sections. The Dr doesn’t want me to go into
labor, especially pre-term labor. And now, the closest “in-state” hospital I
have is over an hour away! Just a tad nerve wrecking…
Of course, I’m no dummy. I understand an emergency could
land me in a hospital in the neighboring state, hospitals which are only 15-20-minute
drive from my house. But I will be seen by doctors who have never seen me, don’t
know my history, and are going into an emergency situation with time
constraints that will reduce their ability to gather all my information and
look it over properly before doing what needs to be done. Fun times!
So, wrapping up the second trimester, I had fewer medical
concerns which was uplifting. Yes, I had less energy than most in the second
trimester, but those were minor issues compared to the other possibilities. Did
I complain? Oh, yes! I was a grouch! I was angry that I was always tired and
had so much to do. I was frustrated at my lack of energy. But I did overcome my
moodiness and find myself good distractions most of the time. Crabby Becca was
short-lived for the most part, minus a longer day here and there. I had my
three musketeers to cheer me up nearly every time, too! I believe I am raising
three comedians! There has been no shortage of corny knock-knock jokes, Yo-Mama
jokes, and Bad-Dad jokes daily! It’s been a glorious journey!
So, here’s looking to trimester 3, with hopes, dreams,
fears, nervousness, and I dare say, excitement! Bring it on baby!
One of the neat things I have failed, for years, to take notice of is special holidays throughout the year. Not the typical, highly recognized holidays… The wacky, silly, odd holidays that pop up randomly throughout each month.
April 10, for example, was National Sibling Day!
Did I celebrate this holiday? Sadly, no. I didn’t post a
bunch of pictures of myself and my siblings on social media, and I didn’t call
any of my siblings and wish them a happy holiday dedicated to us. That’s okay,
though, neither did they. Ha!
I will, however, celebrate my siblings every day we have on
this earth. We are a blessed bunch, and I am thankful every day for the three
siblings I have (and the one we never got to meet). Allow me to introduce you:
Jacob; The oldest, self-proclaimed smartest, best looking
man in the bunch. I guess I can give him that. He’s the only boy child. Served
in the military, is an amazing chef (at his own stove and grill, or anyone else’s
who will let him cook for them!), tall, quite country, and probably the most
annoying of us all. Nah, I adore him! Of all my siblings, I believe we have the
closest communication. I am 2 years younger than Jacob, and the “second set” of
children were born over 10 years later. We were kids together, teenagers
together, and we got to be the “experimental set” of kids together. (I love you
Mom)
Oh, Jacob. The secrets you and I share, and will keep until
the day we die…
Like, that one time… Ok, I’m kidding! I won’t tell!
When the younger set of DARLING girls came along, some of
the rules changed. And I’m totally fine with that! Why? Because everyone grows
and changes with time, and if my parents hadn’t then I would have been worried.
Leah; the little barbie doll, long legged and skinny to an
alarming size at some times, we just knew she would be the tall one of the
bunch! Well, what is it they say? “When you want to make God laugh, just tell Him
your plans.” Right?! As a mother herself, now, she stands at a whopping 5’4”,
and is still not the shortest person on the fire department in our county! That’s
right. She’s a fire fighter! And an amazing one at that! She also paints,
draws, crochets, and has quite the singing voice! OH, and her hair… blond locks
that gracefully cascade nearly to her knees. Can you imagine tucking all that
into a fireman’s helmet? Well, how about a ballcap! Because that’s what Leah is
known to wear, daily, with every strand of hair hidden from view. The shock
factor is priceless when she lets it down around people who have never seen her
hair!
Between Leah and our youngest sister, my darling mother lost
one. On Christmas day, no less. It was a sad day for us all, and one we will
not soon forget.
Joanna; the baby. The angel, youngest, spoiled (almost) rotten,
perfect child. Ok, so there’s slight sarcasm there… but only slight! We love to
pick on her for being the youngest, because we’ve heard the saying, “The parents
knew they made the perfect child when the youngest was born.” Thus, ending the
need for more children. Well, in her toddler years, Joanna was FAR from
perfect. I vividly recall the day of her birth! Standing in Mom’s room, at the far
end of the hallway in the hospital, hearing the screams of a baby coming out of
the nursery… we all sat there, looking at each other, afraid to ask, and then
the screaming child was pushed in her bassinet into the room where we were
sitting. Grandpa was the first to speak. “Well, I think we have the new family
singer here.”
Joanna was known by the dirt on her face, the bouncy curls
in her hair, and the dimpled cheeks that accommodated her always happy grins. Her
favorite thing to do was run away from our house, down to the neighbors adjacent
to us, our Godparents. We lived on a country road, so the panic that would
ensue when she vanished silently from the house was always intense! Countless
times she would be found on the lap of her godfather, riding the lawnmower, as
he brought her back, and met us on the trail beside the road.
Now, this shining star of the family has graduated Bible
College, married her dream man and has moved to Canada, where her husband is
from. The irony is not lost on our family (again, making God laugh). Joanna is
the ONE child we all believed would never leave home! She was truly the “baby”
of the bunch for years! When she said she wanted to go to college in St Paul,
MN I was shocked! She blossomed into one of the strongest people I know.
I couldn’t be prouder of the set of siblings I was blessed
to be born into in my life! We have had our ups and downs, like all families.
The ups definitely outweigh the downs! We have the most amazing parents! They
did right by us throughout our entire lives, and I know they will continue to
be our support and strength as we now go through the stages of parenting, they
went through with us.
To my brother, Jacob: Look! I wrote about you in a blog
post! You are welcome.
To my sister, Leah: You are still my hero! Now, hurry up and
have a girl, for goodness sake!
To my sister, Joanna: I still think you are crazy for moving
NORTH, of all places! Lawd Jesus! And… I’m still taller than you! Booyah!
Siblings. We love, fight, laugh, cry, hug, punch, push, and
together we have become a 4-strand cord that cannot be broken. I am so thankful
for you! Happy Sibling Day, every day!!!
