It’s been way too long since I have posted and shared my thoughts and words with you all!
Many blogs have been started, and none finished.
Life has been… just a little hectic.
We’ve been exposed to COVID in January (or February, I don’t even remember… it’s all running together now).
Sinus infections, allergies, the bathroom remodel, leaky water heater, car decides not to start, fevers, sleepless nights… I’m sure I’m leaving something out!
One thing got me this weekend though, and I didn’t even think of the impact until I told a friend about it this morning.
Sunday, I didn’t make it to church. The second week in a row.
Babies with fevers, and older kids trying to decide if their symptoms were of a contagious sort, or allergies… I was ragged.
I took a moment, after being smothered by one of the twins for constant cuddles and attention, to just step out my back door and breathe. I was standing in my back porch when my tiny grandmother walked in with her broom and dustpan. She saw me out there tossing boxes and whatnot in all my frustration (I was honestly throwing things to vent, not clean) and she figured I might need a little help cleaning out there. I had just laid the babies down for their nap and just wanted a moment of peace.
I was overwhelmed. Drained. Exhausted. Lonely…
In she walks with her broom taller than she, and says, “Well, where should I start?”
At first, I was frustrated. I won’t lie. I just wanted to sit down and mope about my circumstances. I just watched a live video of a church service I wanted to be present for in person. I had one child begging me not to make him go to school the next day and it wasn’t even 1pm Sunday afternoon. I was struggling. Deeply.
But I got up and showed her this TINY area that was “priority” to get cleaned and said we should start there.
“This is really where I wanted to clean up, and then I think I’ll go take a break while the babies sleep…”
Well… anyone who knows my grandma KNOWS she’s not going to settle for some little space.
Two hours later, ¾ of the back porch was cleaned, swept, and wiped down. I could feel the Fibro flare up wanting to start up almost immediately. I was completely drained. But… I felt good.
I didn’t feel great. But I felt GOOD… this was something I hadn’t felt in weeks! I looked around us, little Grandma with dustpan in hand and her other hand on her hip, observing a job mostly done.
A cleaned floor, washer and dryer both running with things that were being cleaned, and no more smell of clutter, trash, and yuck all around.
I didn’t take any pictures of this grand event, before or after, so there isn’t much to aid the visual for you wonderful readers today.
However!
Picture in your mind’s eye a mother drained. Torn. Sad. Angry. Isolated. Frustrated. Confused. Stressed, and just… done.
And then this tiny woman, 4 ft 9, marching in with purpose and with a single phrase inspiring motivation I didn’t even want in the moment… bringing just enough spunk with her into my house, she lifted me more than she will ever know. Regardless of how I express it to her.
It’s the little things that bring the biggest rewards.
I know this isn’t one of my longer posts, and it really doesn’t need to be tonight.
It’s a post of appreciation for an amazing woman in my life.
It’s a post to remind myself that I truly am most assuredly blessed beyond measure.
It’s a reminder that I can get through these long days, and longer nights. Through all the stress, exhaustion, frustration, and everything that weighs me down, I can get up. I can find my motivation again.
I see you, tired mama. Sad mama. Weary, worn, and burnt-out mama.
I see you… and I am praying for you!
We will rise. We will come from the tunnel that today has brought and bask in the light!
“Weeping may endure for the night… but joy comes in the morning!”
It would seem, my dear friends, that my world has been busier than I ever expected it to be…
When we last connected, I was working at a Domestic Violence Center in my community and enjoying every moment of it! I had also been offered a new job, a full-time job I didn’t tell anyone about at the time. I surprise I was not expecting to ever come my way!
As it stands now, I have been working with the state of Illinois since December 16, 2020, and I have been training on site and remotely from home off an on since that day.
When we last connect, my kids were only remotely learning, full-time, on their school facilitated laptop computers all over my house, every weekday, and driving me insane in the process! Ha!
Now, they are back in schools, half-days, four days a week, and one of them still has to log in remotely on Fridays to do any unfinished work, which he always seems to have these days.
Before Christmas, I was working evenings and only just began the transition to dayshift work for the state of Illinois, and the twins were home full-time as well.
I had my mom coming during the mornings, and my grandmother coming during the afternoons, to help alleviate the stress from all involved, for the working/schoolwork/childcare process. The twins were set to start daycare full-time, but weren’t able to begin until after the beginning of 2021…
And now they are in daycare.
They have been going to the daycare full-time since January 5, and after the first few days of crying, clinging, terrified wailings, heartbreak and mourning the transition has become much smoother and more bearable… oh, and the twins are doing fine, too! LOL!
OH! And thanks to the new job, I have also started the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps program, to eliminate debt, save money, and be able to provide for my babies and myself in ways I never could before!
This should be quite the journey, well worth documenting… when I am not asleep on my feet and able to write about it!
Everything from new jobs to in-person learning at school, daycare, and things changing around the home on a daily basis, this blogging momma has had a hard time keeping up with my own sleep schedule, let alone trying to type and post blogs along the way!
Since we last connected, Titus had just had his first driving experience in my Denali. He has not driven since… not that he or I don’t want to get out there and practice! NO! It’s just been so hectic around here that we haven’t been able to sit down and take a breath!
Has it really been nearly two months?! I remember that day being so warm… with my oldest behind the wheel, and my youngers in the back seat, antagonizing him and prodding him on to do things that both terrified us and made us laugh till we hurt!
We also did not set up any Christmas decorations this yes. I have babies… toddlers… there was just no way! Rayne would have toppled a tree faster than a family of cats and kittens playing tag in the branches in the middle of the night!
I enjoyed my house being free of decorations and whatnot this year anyway.
Now, let’s talk for a quick second about how the joys of change can quickly become the tragedy of stress and anxiety at the drop of a hat!
Just as soon as I got the new job, my car broke down, my dryer quit working, the water heater started leaking (again), and there were other things that required financial attention… immediately!
Christmas ONLY happened because some amazing people stepped up and helped out this year. My kids would have had nothing had it not been for some wonderful, huge hearted, amazing people in my life!!
Words cannot express enough the relief that I experienced with those surprise givings!!
But, as my mother so enthusiastically reminded me… My financial troubles began AFTER I had the finances to take care of it all myself!
WHAT?!
It’s true!!
AHHH!!!
I was able to pay for the repairs on my car, buy a tub for my bathroom (a LONG needed item), and I’ll be able to fix my dryer situation as well!
Oh. My. Word!
She’s RIGHT!!!
Was I stressed when things happened? Yep!
Did I have to borrow cars, and make riding arrangements for kids? Yep!
Was it frustrating in a ripple effect (from me to the kids to the people I had to borrow cars from)? Yep!
But is it over now? YEP!
That tunnel is behind me, and I’m preparing for the next one!
Changes are good.
Changes are stressful.
Changes are exciting, scary, intimidating, illuminating, frustrating, enjoyable, and full of so much potential!!
We are finally settling into a new routine with our most recent change. It’s a stressful, tiring, but exciting thing!
As we develop our own “new normal” I find myself at peace with the way things have turned out thus far.
It’s been a long time coming… this tunnel my little family was stumbling through was a long one. Dark, damp, a little creepy at times, and exhausting.
More tunnels will come.
But for the moment, we will bask in the light on this mountainside we are on. And for the next tunnel… I bought some flashlights! 😊
I can’t wait to share more with you all! Until the next time…
In all my blogging and writing, I totally forgot to share the lovely story about Titus’ first moments behind the wheel in my Denali!!
You guys… forgive me!
This is an epic moment that must be shared with the world!!
Also, there are no pictures to emphasize the moment… just some fun dialogue.
So, last week, after a long day, I took the whole family with me into town to the grocery store.
We hadn’t been out of the house at all for a while, and we needed to at least get out for a drive.
Now, the kids stayed in the car while I ran into the store really quick, and when I got back to the car I decided to give Titus his chance he had been begging for to practice driving.
I drove to the High School and parked in the parking lot.
Titus was sitting in the passenger seat, all excited to the point he wasn’t sitting still anymore.
Levi (the self-proclaimed “back seat driver”) was in the back, pumping us all up for the event that was to follow moments later.
“Ok Titus… this is it! The moment you have been waiting for! Just don’t kill us all!”
I got out of the driver’s seat, Titus got out of the passenger seat, and we traded places.
Titus settled in the driver’s seat and I told him to adjust everything so he felt comfortable in his “driving position.”
Now, he’s 6ft 3in without his shoes on, so this took a little adjustment… not much, but enough to take him off balance for a second.
He looked at all the “controls” in front of him and I began to tell him what was most important for this first lesson…
Me: “Bruh… seatbelt first my dear.”
Titus: “Uh… oh yeah. I need to do that.”
Levi in the back: “Yep…we’re all gonna die.”
Me: “Shush you! Peanut gallery is now silent. Thank you!”
Titus: “What do I do to put it in gear?”
Me: “Okay, so you have to press the brake first, before you try to move the gear shift…” Titus: “This thing?” Grabs gear shift and almost moves it without foot on the brake.
Me: “BRAKE!! Yes… that thing. Brake first…”
Titus puts foot on brake.
Me: “There ya go…”
Titus slowly moved the gear shift handle and eased his foot off the brake pedal.
And we slowly eased forward.
Titus: “Whoa! So you don’t even have to press on the gas to make it move forward?!”
Me: “Yep. That’s how it works, my dear.”
Titus: “Oh, this is so cool!”
So, we continued down the length of the parking lot a ways, and I encouraged him to use the gas pedal, “Just put your foot on the gas and press lightly…”
And we LURCHED forward as the engine revved up in beast-mode.
Levi: “Floor it, Titus! Go like 30MPH!”
The car immediately slows down again.
Micah: “Uhm, are we sure this is a good idea?”
Me: “Titus will not be flooring it to any speed, right Titus?”
Titus: “Nah… I’m good with this right here.”
The car continues to creep down the parking lot length, at a leisurely pace…
Me: “Okay, Titus. Now you EASE onto the brake and get ready to turn and go back up the other side. Got it?”
The end of the parking lot gets closer, and closer…
Me: “Titus? Brake dear.”
Titus smashes the brake with his giant foot.
The car comes to a harsh stop.
Titus: “I think I need a little practice with this. And you were right, Mom. Your pedals ARE sensitive!”
Me: “Okay, now turn. And they aren’t that sensitive… boy you got big feet! Haha!”
We go up and down the parking lot a couple of times, until we get to the back end where there are ZERO cars parked.
Me: “Wanna try to park it?” Titus: “Uh… okaaaay.”
Me: “Alright. So, you are going to turn into one of these empty spaces. Try to get the Denali between the white lines. It’s okay if you don’t get it the first time. It’s a big car.”
Titus picks a spot and starts to turn in.
Me: “Remember, you have to stop before you hit the cement bar there.”
The car is still moving at the same speed.
Levi: “Ohhh… we’re gonna crash!”
Me: “Titus… Titus!”
Brakes applied… no, slammed.
The car stops as if it actually DID hit the cement.
Levi: “Oh Whew! That was close! Is everyone okay?”
Micah: “No. I’m gonna need therapy now.”
Titus: “Oh come on! It wasn’t that bad!”
Me: “Well… it was a good first try. Open the door and see if you are on the white line or not.”
Titus opens his door. “Oh! Mom! It’s perfect!”
I opened my door to see. Yep! It was a good parking job! Well… Minus the lurching.
He wanted to go around again, and try parking again a second time, too.
So, around we went.
Amid the shouts of “Go faster!” and “We’re all gonna die!” “Don’t kill us Titus!” and “I can’t wait till I’m driving, too!” “Speed up!” “Slow down!” and much more from the peanut gallery in the backseat.
A few more loops around the parking lot, and he gradually turned into another empty parking space.
The brakes weren’t hit so hard this time, and the parking between the lines was even better!
This time, I got out and told him to get out and take a picture of his parking job.
Titus was so excited!
He got out, took the picture, and then we traded places so I could drive us home.
We got in the car and buckled our seatbelts.
Titus: “I did pretty good, didn’t I?”
Me: “Yes! You did! Was it exciting?”
Levi: “Next time you need to just go really fast, Titus!”
Titus: “Nah. I’m working my way up to it. I’m pretty proud of what I did today, though.”
Me: “Yeah. You did good!”
Titus turned to me, smiled really big and said, “I mastered 10 M P H.”
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with myself when I open a new Word document to write another blog post.
Do I have anything to say that will help someone today?
Do I have any useful insight to this thing called life?
Am I really making a difference for anyone out there?
I certainly hope so.
Even when I just type a little about my day, or my week, I hope that I am giving a little inspiration to someone who needs it right now.
I don’t want to sugarcoat anything or give a false impression to the world that my life is easy, smooth, or even just a little bumpy.
And lately, things have been rocky.
Very rocky.
I have felt disconnected from friends, family, support, and people I would normally reach out to for advice, encouragement, and prayers.
So, what do I do when I feel this way?
Honestly…
First, I will admit I may sulk a little… Okay, more than a little.
Yep. I mope, sit and stare, go radio silent, give short responses to people who may reach out to me, avoid gatherings, stay home, hide, and just… sulk.
This part may last anywhere from minutes to a day or two.
Then, I get a grip.
I get out my phone or radio, turn on some positive music, sometimes open my computer and start typing, clean something, do laundry, or find someone to connect with just to have a little conversation to distract myself from the negative.
But most of all, I open my Bible.
I read Psalms, Proverbs, grab a random New Testament book, or sometimes my Bible app and surf the “verse of the day” and just… read.
Last night was one of those nights.
I didn’t do any sulking, but I could feel the down trying to come around.
I opened my Bible app on my phone, because I was at work at the time, and I just wanted to share with you all some of the verses of the day that I came across while reading…
“Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.” –Psalms 107:1 NKJV
“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.” –3 John 1:2 NKJV
“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms.” –James 5:13 NKJV
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” –Hebrews 11:1 NKJV
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” –Hebrews 13:8 NKJV
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” –Philippians 4:13 NKJV
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” –Psalms 27:1 NKJV
“The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself.” –Proverbs 11:25 NKJV
“What then shall we say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” –Romans 8:31 NKJV
“You will show me the path of life; in Your presence if fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” –Psalms 16:11 NKJV
On top of the Bible verses that I look up, I also look for other, motivational quotes that uplift and build positive outlooks. I found quite a few good ones last night after I got home from work.
Here are a few of my favorites:
“It’s never too late – never too late to start over, never too late to be happy.” – Jane Fonda
“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”– Albert Einstein
“If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers
“Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes.” – Benjamin Disraeli
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu
“The difference between a successful person and others is not lack of strength not a lack of knowledge but rather a lack of will.” – Vince Lombardi
I know I didn’t say much about my world, our day, or anything else in a great “story telling” manner.
But tonight, it was a night of sharing a little of what inspires me when I am feeling the drain.
I know this Holiday season is one that is a bit more stressful than most in our lives, and with the stress comes other things that drag us down.
I get it. 100%!
I do hope that this post brought a little positivity and encouragement to you, as the verses and quotes do for me when I read them.
And I strongly encourage you to find some that help YOU as well!
There is great comfort in opening a physical Bible or book, reading and finding things that speak to your heart and soul, and getting a little encouragement for yourself.
As a matter of fact, I would love to know what some of your favorite Bible verses and inspirational quotes are that lift you up! Feel free to share them with me! And maybe I will use them in future posts. 😊
“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.” –Proverbs 12:25 NKJV
Last night definitely did not go as planned.
I did not sleep until after 4:30am and woke up close to 10:00am.
Of course, we were all a bit sluggish, not very functional, and honestly, a lot of my planning made space for such a morning.
My boys DID help me with the inside of the house.
We got trash out of the house, washed a bunch of dishes, swept all the floors, and cleaned up the main part of the house nicely.
Also, I woke up almost pain-free! It was a good start to the day, at least. 😊
Tonight wasn’t so bad either.
I went to work at my job (that I LOVE), did some more cleaning there, read a little, and did other, work-related things.
The twins went to bed for a nap before I left for work, so everyone at my house got a little break before the evening fun began.
This is where I just need to sing some praises for a second.
My grandmother is A SAINT!
She comes over to help out with the twins, and she really loves doing it.
It gives her something to feel needed for, and she is bonding with the twins so well!
They adore her, and she just soaks up every little snuggle and cuddle she can get from them.
I love walking in the door and seeing her sitting with one twin in her lap and the other standing beside her at the couch. She has a smile a mile wide and they are just talking up a storm to each other in my living room. It’s picturesque.
Grandma is safely at home with Grandpa now, and everyone is either asleep or at least settled here, now.
So, I sit here again, writing up some lists and ideas for another good tomorrow.
I’m pretty excited about it, really.
And that gives me another tidbit to share…
I used to say, “I hope tomorrow is better.” And I would critique myself and my day (my own worst enemy, right?!).
As I write in my journal, planner, or make my lists now, however, I write down the good things.
“We got everything on my list done today!”
“We got some things done today.”
“Nobody fought like cats and dogs today.”
“School was done in record time!”
“School actually got done today!”
It doesn’t even matter how small the good is, if there is good to be found I will use it.
It is important, because we are in a time when depression is heavier, anxiety is higher, and fear is greater.
Missing the school days…
I have seen my children fall into depression because they cannot hang out with friends, or maybe they are completely disconnected from friends and other support, and all we have is us, in our home, doing our best to stay safe and healthy in every way we can.
Of course, I have to work. This is a necessity!
It doesn’t matter how bad things get out there, it seems. The bills must still be paid. The car still needs gas for appointments, work, and getting those groceries my kids are wiping out in record time.
And so, we keep moving.
We keep going forward, every step we can.
So what if we take a few steps back now and then. As long as we are moving, we will make it.
I am doing all I can, and I am working with my boys to help me by doing all they can.
Yep, we have burn-out days. I get frustrated with their lack of interest in helping. I get upset when they try to avoid school (gotta love remote learning…not!), and I get discouraged when they are impossible to talk to, reason with, and work with.
But we have come such a long way from who and where we were three years ago, two years ago, and even one year ago!
Things have been gradually changing for the better, and that’s the point! We are moving! Taking those steps. Climbing that mountain. Moving those obstacles. Creating the life we only dreamed would be a reality “some day.”
I’m pretty excited! And I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds for my little family, now. 😊
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein
Tonight is just a “flare up” night for me, so I am sitting up in my bed, pondering life, drinking some coffee, and typing away on my computer…
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.
My body has been telling me to rest for a few days now, and last night was when it finally shut down for a solid sleep. I slept until 10am today!
My little family enjoyed dinner at my grandparent’s house this afternoon, just our little crew, then I walked back to my house to lay the twins down for a nap and fell asleep again myself.
Yeah, my exhausted-self needed it.
Who would have thought Holidays would be so odd this year?
One year ago, when we were all gathered around tables, groups of many, eating food, telling stories, and just sharing and enjoying each other’s company, none of us could have predicted what the near future held!
But here’s the thing…
Had it not been for our advanced technology, medical knowledge, amazing people working to save lives, and putting some of these guidelines into practice this year, there would be a lot less people celebrating right now.
I thought back on things like the “plague” and how that would wipe out entire villages and cities in one giant wave.
While we have been devastated by this pandemic, the outcome today is far different than it would have been without the things we have to fight it with.
And the people. The amazing people!
I felt safe enjoying the company at my grandparent’s house today, but I was still cautious. I think we will be for some time.
It has certainly given me pause to think about the other viral things that haven’t been circulating as much as they had EVERY year that I can remember: Stomach bugs, flu, strep, and more!
Every year, my house falls victim to more than one virus.
This year, we have lived under a fog of Lysol, doused in soapy water and Germ-X, and constantly wiping things down with sanitizing wipe thingies.
We have been eating more fresh foods, keeping healthier diets, taking more and more vitamins and herbal supplements, and I gotta say my skin, hair, and nails are celebrating these changes!
And this year I haven’t had to buy boxes of Kleenex, cold and flu medicines, cough drops, or fever reducers.
Epiphany!
So… what if, after the Covid thing is gone, we actually keep up with the healthier choices??!
Um, Yes!
Now, I know that the mass majority will return to life as usual (I suspect anyway), but as for me and my house we are creating new habits that I plan to hold onto for the rest of our lives!
I love the fact that we have been, for the most part, sickness-free, and the kids are enjoying it as well.
Now, if I can just get the fibro to settle down, we will be on a roll!
That’s another thing I have been thinking about as I sit on my bed, pondering, at nearly 2am…
Weird pain.
I’ve had weird pains all around for several years, now, and I remember ending up in the ER because the pain accompanied strange, numbing sensations, on one side of my face and neck.
After that one episode I didn’t have that kind of issue again, but I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in 2015 which listed several symptoms I was experiencing.
In the summer of 2018, the anxiety started to subside, along with many of the symptoms.
But the pain stayed, and within a year it got worse.
I remember when I started noticing it more and more. I would be washing dishes and my arms would just ache. From my hands all the way to my shoulders, the pain was in my muscles and would intensify when I flexed or moved my arms.
My legs already had issues, which we assumed was RLS, as it would be worse at night when I was trying to sleep. But now they just… hurt. Anytime. All the time!
I have days when I feel completely normal, can function normally, and things are great.
Then I have days when getting out of my bed takes every ounce of energy I have.
I cry, get angry, confused as to why this is happening, and often discouraged before my feet hit the floor.
At least the days when I feel those emotions are few and far between.
Most of the time my kids are total rock stars, and they help me out and help do things that I would normally do around the house.
Sometimes, when I have more bad days than good, the poor kids end up with a little burn out of their own and honestly, I can’t blame them. But those are sometimes the days when the emotions run heavy along with the pain.
This week has been more bad days than good.
Thankfully, I have medication that helps with the pain and all that, but I still fight with my own mind over why it seems like this thing kicks my butt so easily!
And on nights like tonight, when I can feel it slowly easing from my body, the pain lifting and my ability to get up and go returning, I start to plan.
I make lists. My “to do” lists, things that I need to get done before the next flare up begins.
Most of my lists are your normal, mom-style to-do lists, with a little extra on the side.
I make menus for myself and the kids. Menus for us as a family, and then some “on your own” kinds of things for my Rockstar children, in case I have bad days coming up.
I set up grocery pickup to get all the food I know we will need for our family for at least a week.
I get all the things in order in my head, on paper, and on the white board in my dining room (at least on the white board after we all get up the next morning).
I have been spending a lot of my better days cleaning out the garage, TRYING to do the same in the breezeway, and I have got to get my hands on my yard again!
So tonight, I am going to sign off from my rambling and get some rest, and if tomorrow is a good day (as I think and hope it will be), I will be working hard on getting things done again.
Fingers crossed, my friends! Because the boys have agreed to help out in a few areas themselves. I’ll have to update you all when the day is done. 😊
