Hold On And Have Faith

Hold On And Have Faith

Hang with me here, while I speak some life. Real, raw, and genuine life. This is my life, my soul, and my journey. But it is one I know others are on as well. And for you, I hope that you will read this and find support, because you are not alone.

I heard a lesson this past week on the “Armor of God” and I just had to share some thoughts that came to me about that glorious “Shield of Faith” that is a part of it.

For those who know me personally, and those who have followed me for a while, you know I have had to pick up this shield of faith for myself and my musketeers, many times and for a while now!

It hasn’t been easy.

But faith never is.

Think about it…

It seems easy, and it’s good to have faith in people, in God, in life and all that. But when do we most often reach out for that faith? Exactly.

When things aren’t going so great.

The past three years of my life have been some that I have had to live almost exclusively on faith. Believing that one day it will get better. One day I’ll be able to believe people when they speak to me. One day I might find love, true love. One day, maybe, my dreams to be a published and successful writer, author, speaker will come true. Maybe one day, I won’t have to live in a broken house, driving a broken car, and no more wondering if the bills will all be paid on time.

Do you know how heavy that is?

Yes, you do. I feel you! You get this! You’ve either been there, or are there with me now.

Faith is far from the glorious depiction given it by the poets and artists. Take for instance the shield of faith described in the Armor of God:

The man giving the lesson last week spoke of his excitement at building an armor for visual aid for kids, when they do lessons on the Armor of God. The shield could be this gorgeous thing, with emblems and decorations all over the front of it, as many shields have. And that got me thinking…

That’s a great thought. A glorious, beautiful shield! But it would only be pretty for a short while… until it’s being used.

When do we use our shield?

In battle.

During the fight of our lives, for our families, our sanity, our very souls! Sure, the shield can start out as a glorious work of art, but when it being used it’s weighing on the arm, heavy. It’s bloodied, sometimes broken, and battered by the time the battle is over.

This is faith.

“Now faith is the evidence of things HOPED for, and the evidence of things NOT seen.”

Faith and Hope are two, very different things. Hope is exciting. When we have hope, we have a positive feeling about the outcome.

Faith is what we lean on when the hope is gone.

That has been the story of my life for the past few years. Empty hopes, lost dreams, failure after failure in one part of my life or another. Feeling useless at anything, including (for a time) my role as a mother. All hope was sucked right out of my spirit, and all that was left was a tiny shred of faith.

Here’s the good news, though! That tiny shred? That’s all you need!

How is it described? Oh, yes. Faith… tiny as a grain of mustard seed.

Faith that even in my darkest of days there would be a light shining on my world, eventually.

Faith that there would be hope again for me and my little family.

Faith that the bills would be paid.

Faith that the car won’t fall apart the next time I drive it.

Faith that the floor won’t fall in when I cross the hallway.

Faith that the kitchen sink won’t fall into the hole it doesn’t fit properly into in the countertop.

Faith that the roof won’t leak when it rains anymore.

Faith that the kids will always have what they need, and eventually have the things they WANT.

Faith that I can pay my darling Grandparents back for ALL they have done for me (and that will be a huge payback!).

And Faith… that one day I will look back on today and remember what it was like, because I WILL be blessed enough to bless others!

And with each statement of faith, I am in battle for these things. My shield gets smacked hard with bills, jumper cables for the car, the slip of the sink into that hole, the drop of water that hits me on the head inside my house on a rainy day, my children asking me if/when I get paid, the propane tank running low again, and the list goes on.

My shield is ugly.

It’s heavy.

Faith isn’t easy.

But it’s amazing! Because with Faith, we can move mountains.

Faith renews a little hope within us. Believing in your dreams, believing in the possibilities, and believing in YOURSELF is just the start!

Take your Faith, honey, and hit those things back that are coming at you! Can’t pay that whole bill? Pay half of it! Make an arrangement before the due date, and they’ll work with you! (most of the time lol) Faith just smacked back!

Can’t buy that toy for your child? Set a dollar aside in a jar! Smack!

Eventually your child will feel that faith too! Maybe not with the first dollar, or even the second. But as they build up, so will their hope that the reward is coming. Again… smack!

Car dead again? Jump that baby one more time! Smack!

And with every small victory, because they ARE victories, take a deep breath, hold it, and then let it out with even half a smile. Because honey, your faith just got a little bigger, and a little stronger.

Feel that? Faith just became Hope.

And you just felt a spark, however tiny it was, it was there!

Lately, Faith is all I’ve had. But recently, I’ve built up a little Hope as well!

In my world, right now, the ONLY way to go is up! And by golly… I’m going!

And you are invited to go with me!

When It All Falls Apart- Laugh!

When It All Falls Apart- Laugh!

In my life there are always things popping up, here and there, that I have to deal with. Anything from sick kids (or sick me) to something breaking in my house… or my car.

Sometimes I get lucky and only one thing happens at a time. Lately though, I haven’t been so fortunate.

But I have been blessed with the ability to find humor in my situations. Especially with my car! For example:

Last spring, I was driving home, trying to beat the bus as it was dropping my kids off from school. It was already unseasonably warm, near the end of the school year, and I was having A/C issues. My driver window wasn’t (and isn’t) working, so I couldn’t roll it down. I had the others rolled down, though.

The gas needle is also “not working” and I can never tell exactly how much gas I have in the tank at any given time, unless I remember (haha) to write down my mileage on my gas receipts. And that’s only IF my odometer stays lit on my dash, because my dash has a mind of its own right now and just randomly decides it isn’t going to show me my odometer, but switch languages at random instead!

So far, I know my dash reads in English, Spanish, French and some other language that resembles alien verbiage from the digital planet of “let’s mix letters and numbers together.”

So, my dash is flashing language options at me and not showing me my mileage, no A/C, windows down, gas needle on E, and I’m driving home to beat the bus… on a gravel road. Close your eyes and picture the scenario painted for you here.

I reach the final quarter mile, uphill, and…. She died.

The. Car. Died.

On a hill. A quarter mile from my house. On a gravel road. In 90-degree weather.

Oh, it gets better!

Now, the vehicle has had several other issues, so I sat there for a few seconds thinking, Please, be out of gas. Please! That’s fixable!

I grabbed my phone to call my grandpa up the hill, to see if he could bring me some gas, in great hopes that he would be home.

And my phone was dead.

“Seriously?!” I scrambled around my massive vehicle, searching frantically for a charger to plug into my dash so I could make the call. In that moment I vowed I would never allow my children into the vehicle again with anything in their hands. It was trashed!

I couldn’t find a charger. Dust was kicking up from all sides every time a vehicle drove by.

I could hear the bus coming.

It appeared at the top of the hill. Lights flashing, stop sign swinging out, it slowed to a stop in front of my driveway a quarter mile in front of me as I sat there watching from my dusty driver’s seat.

I started to giggle. Then, I began laughing. Deep, belly laughs that I’m almost certain could be heard atop the hill by my sons as they looked down the hill in confusion from the end of our driveway.

They all came running down the hill with their bus creeping behind them, and I had tears rolling down my face from the laughter by the time they reached me.

The bus driver stopped and checked on us. I told her, between gasps of air from laughter, that I was just going to get gas from my grandpa up the hill, but my phone was dead so I couldn’t call him. She said his truck was home. Thank God!

I sent the boys back up the hill to get him and the bus driver continued on her way to drop off the rest of the kids on her route.

I sat and waited, still laughing.

Grandpa and the kids came down the hill in his truck. Thankfully, he had a gas can that had two gallons of gas in it.

Grandpa pulled his truck around behind my vehicle and got out to pour the gas into it. After he finished, we all crossed our fingers and held our breath as I put the key in the ignition.

Click. Turn. Engine started!

YES!

Everyone piled in and we drove up the hill to our driveway. I pulled in, parked it, turned it off, and collapsed against my seat in relief!

Now, that’s just one story of many involving my 2003 GMC Yukon Denali XL and its troubles.

Our most recent situation with the poor thing is that it doesn’t start. Something is clearly drawing power from the battery, and it has spent many days hooked up to a slow charger, so it won’t be dead when I go to start it.

I would joke about my car being hooked up to “life support” with cords and things connected to it, hood up, or another car parked beside it to jump it when needed.

Recently, Dad got a “kill switch” for it. It’s this little remote that’s on a fob attached to my keychain. Every time I get out of the car, I hit that button, disconnect the battery from everything with a “click” and voile! It starts for me when I get back to it and “click” it back on again.

Of course, we are only treating the symptom. The bigger issue is still in there, but for now… at least it works. Well, it works as long as I remember to hit the “off” button on that fob. Which I have forgot to do once already!

Life is a journey! There are many chapters for us to enjoy (or endure)! The past few years of mine, I have referred to as “the constant struggle”, but not out of bitterness. More out of humor. I have learned that the “laugh or cry” look at life can have a positive effect… if we choose to laugh.

Plus, laughing burns more calories (still not enough for me!), and the lines left on your face after years of laughter are happier looking than the lines left after crying for years. And like I said, it’s been years for my little army.

We will have this broken vehicle until I either make enough money to purchase another, or by some miracle one appears in my driveway. So, until then, I’m sure there will be plenty more tales to tell about my Moody white Mammoth.

So, all of that for this takeaway:

When you’re stuck in a dead car, uphill on a dirt road, and it’s summer temps outside, and you got dust in your eyes, your phone is dead, and your kids are watching you from up the hill… have a little laugh at your own expense. Laugh till you cry, if you must. But still, laugh.

My kids live with me. They see that we are struggling here and there. They live in this little house with all its quirks, breaking parts, and drafty windows. They ride in that car, when it works, and they know. They already know we are in a rough patch. They don’t need to see me crying over it. They are already concerned for me anyway, bless their sensitive little hearts!

But when I laughed, they laughed, and it was good. We all felt a little better for a minute. And that’s what matters.

Success Is Success No Matter How Small

Success Is Success No Matter How Small

A little follow up on the thoughts from earlier this week, about days I do and days I don’t…

For most of the rest of the week, I didn’t. I just…didn’t.

Barely making it to get the kids up for their buses for school, I felt rushed and disoriented.

I did the basics.

I fed the babies, made sure they were entertained and clean, and kept their bottles washed and ready for the next round.

I barely kept up with dishes. I did minimal laundry.

But I showered!

When the older boys came home from school, I made sure they were fed and finished their papers or other homework for school, then made sure they showered before bed.

That was it.

Every morning, we all struggled to wake up and repeat the cycle again. And every night, we all had a hard time falling asleep at a decent hour… again.

All week long.

I probably say this nearly every week, but I am so thankful today is Friday!

And to make it even better, this is a long weekend for us! The kids don’t go back to school until Tuesday.

Glorious!

But today was better for me, personally, for a few reasons.

A dear friend came and helped me out today, trying to get a few things handled in my insanely disastrous house.

And get things done, we did!

Let me preface today’s accomplishments with something first, though.

I woke up the same way today as I had all other days this week. I didn’t want to do anything. I wasn’t motivated, and it was a major “Don’t” day, for sure!

My friend and I had already planned on her coming to help me out today, earlier this week, so I was determined to follow through with it. But before she even messaged me this morning, I talked myself out of it and back into it again at least three times.

I sat at my table, sipped my first cup of coffee, and grumbled about the fact that Titus and Levi missed their bus this morning. Levi felt the need, last minute, to shower and Titus was trying his best to get out of going to school at all. That is rare for him, but it was happening today!

They finally left and I continued to sit and sip coffee. I surfed Facebook for a bit, glanced at Twitter, and checked my emails, then went right back to FB to just… scroll.

I did start the laundry and wash a few dishes, but I was nowhere near ready to hit the pavement hard, working to get things cleaned, moved, and organized.

My phone dings.

She’s getting herself ready to head my way.

My grumbling changed to a little hope. I felt hope that maybe I would see more than 30% of my floors by the end of the day. Hope that I would get all the baby stuff moved and my house looking more like a home and less like a walk-through storage unit. And hope that I would finally feel like I got something done for the first time this week!

She arrived a bit later, and we set to the task. Many of them, in fact.

Between the two of us we managed to accomplish the following:

My bedroom was cleared of ALL baby stuff no longer needed.

My bed was cleaned off, again.

My bedroom floors were swept and cleared, again.

The hallway was cleared of baby boxes and storage items.

The dining room was cleaned, swept, and the laundry in said room was all folded.

The kitchen was cleaned, swept, and almost all the dishes done and put away.

The living room was cleaned, organized, swept, and spot cleaned in places on the floors.

Trash was taken out and picked up.

More laundry was completed. Washed, dried, and put away.

And the babies were entertained, fed, changed, cared for, held, cuddled, and snuggled during the entire process.

We worked and worked until after the boys got home from school.

Mom and Dad came by and dropped off my new bookshelves, too!

Yayness!

When it was all done, and after she left, I sat down and started thinking about how much we got done and how excited I was about it.

And then, another thought occurred to me.

Yes, we got a lot completed. We cleaned, scrubbed, moved things, and transformed this place into actual living space again. It was great!

But every day, I have my own small successes. And I tend to forget those all too often.

Even on my “don’t” days, I actually “do.”

Everyone makes it to school. The babies get spoiled. Dishes get done (even if not all of them). Laundry gets done (again, even if not every piece). We all eat every day, sometimes big meals and sometimes hamburger helper or PB&J sandwiches, but we do eat every day. Everyone showers and brushes their teeth before they go to bed inside this tiny house, we call home.

Sometimes I get more done than others and sometimes it’s just the bare minimum.

But tonight, as I sit here reflecting on each day of this past week, I am certain of one thing, and I’ll put it in words that remind me of a Dr. Seuss line in one of his books:

A success is a success, no matter how small.

Remember that with a smile.

All the love,

Becca

Some Days I do Some Days I don’t

Some Days I do Some Days I don’t

Some days I have everything together. I get up and feel motivated to take on the world! I get things done, whether I’ve had coffee or not. I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, and accomplish more than the little goals I set for myself for the day or the week. I just… rock!

And then, some days I don’t.

The past couple of years have been a complete roller coaster for myself and my little troop of kiddos!

You know those days I said I have everything together? Yeah, those days that I made it work and succeeded in my world seemed to be so few and far between.

The days I couldn’t function outnumbered the days I could by far.

My bed was everything, sometimes for days on end. It was my sleeping space, my workspace, school space, entertainment center, table for food, and just where the kids even came to hang out with me, because I just wouldn’t leave it.

I spent so many months in solitude, overwhelmed with daily life, emotions, worry, anxiety, and depression. It kept me down, literally.

Circumstances threw me to the ground and life stomped on me for a while.

It happens.

It happens to us all at one point or another.

Fast forward to today…

I have stood tall, dusted myself off from the falls in life, and carried on to the best of my abilities. It’s not been easy, not by a long shot! But I’ve done it, and I continue every day, working hard to do better than the day before.

But that doesn’t always happen.

Today is one of those days that I don’t.

My motivator is broken.

My thinker is overthinking.

It sucks!

The cool thing, though, is I can still turn a day I don’t into a day that I do!

Sometimes the inspiration comes on like a lightning bolt, surging me into action and things get done so fast I lose myself in the momentum!

And sometimes I have to pep-talk myself into action, then continue my own verbal encouragement every step of the way.

I’m not sure what today will be, but if I get ONE thing done, completed, today I will have succeeded.

On one of my “Do” days, a friend told me I make this single mom of five kids thing look easy.

I laughed out loud!

No, honey. I just had a day where I connected, somehow, with Superman and he loaned me some supernatural energy from Krypton, and things got done before I collapsed in my bed HOPING it would stay done for maybe the rest of the evening!

Not only do I have five children, but four of them are boys!

This is not an easy task for a single mama.

Even the neatest of boys leave their socks in the living room floor where they took them off while playing video games. And my boys aren’t “neat.”

On my “do” days, I clean this house like a machine, and all the things left behind by my not-so-neat boys get removed from sight and placed where they belong.

On my “don’t” days, I become a drill sergeant. Ranting at them to clean up after themselves before I unplug every electronic in the house and pile them all up in the shed outside.

Yeah, we still must find a happy medium there. Working on that.

And what’s worse is my children always seem to be on the same level of motivation as me!

So, when I’m “doing” they are in the mood to “do” as well. But they are at school while I’m getting everything done that they would do, and they come home inspired with nothing left to get done (besides their bedrooms, which they NEVER have the motivation to “Do”).

And then, on the days I “don’t” they don’t either, and we all end up frustrated and griping all over the house while things may, or may not, get done.

Sigh…

I’m raising a house full of empaths. Lovely.

Now, coming back from that squirrel I just chased after…

I really do have more “Do” days than “Don’t” days anymore, and that’s a huge step forward from where I was even one year ago!

And my reasons for the “don’t” days are completely different than they were a year ago too! Again, huge step forward!

Then it was overwhelming emotions, drama in my life, and depression.

Now it’s overwhelming piles of STUFF, not enough room for any of it, and trying to re-attain my ability to multitask like I used to a decade ago.

Is that possible? I mean, I am ten years older now…

Hmm…

But for now, I am going to post this blog, turn up my music, and attack SOMETHING that needs to be done in my house today.

Wish me luck!

All the love,

Becca