I am going to share with you the hardest part of pregnancy
to talk about: Postpartum Depression.
PPD is REAL, folks, and it is not a nice companion to have
around. I won’t sugarcoat anything, here, because the monster that is
depression is bad enough on its own. Bring the hormones of post-delivery, life
changes, and no sleep into the equation and you have a whole buffet of yuck to
carry for a period of time.
What was PPD for me? It was in my smile, my laugh, my
sadness and my cries. PPD hovered over my shoulders through the good moments
and the bad. The first several weeks after the twins were born, I felt the
weight of PPD pressing on me, and I constantly wondered when it would show its
ugly head.
But! There IS a silver lining to this dark cloud, and that
is time. With time, support, and sometimes medication to help the process be
more bearable, PPD will be a thing of the past that you can look back on with
relief, knowing you made it through with flying colors!
Now, I will set a storyline here for you.
My pregnancy was not easy. Not at all. If you have followed
me thus far, you have read the overview of my three trimesters carrying the
baby dragons this year. For the things I did not write about, however, there
are many. The final weeks of the pregnancy were painful, stressful, and
sometimes overwhelming in ways I cannot describe. Physical pain, emotional
struggles, and life circumstances had me buried from all sides. I spoke with my
doctor before the twins were born, and I informed him that I was very aware of
my chances of PPD after delivery. My Dr was excited that I would recognize my
chances before birth and set up a plan to help me if I needed it.
Pause:
If you are pregnant, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about PPD before
your delivery! This will be a lifesaver for you and your child(ren)! I cannot
stress this enough! The sooner you are fully informed of the chances, symptoms,
causes, and treatments for PPD, the easier it will be for you if/when it starts
to happen. It doesn’t always happen, and it doesn’t happen to everyone. So,
don’t think that you are going to develop it just because you are having a baby.
Hormonal changes and “baby blues” are common, but PPD is much more serious, and
not as common at all as people would think.
Ok. Resuming:
Let me back up a year for you…
Last summer, yours truly was a woman who needed medication
to help me deal with the sucker punches life (and people in it) were throwing
hard in my direction. Being a single mom is hard enough, and with all the other
things on top of my title alone, I couldn’t deal as well as I wished I could.
So, instead of turning to alcohol as I had in previous years (another story all
in itself), I went to my Dr. He got me started on some SUPER mild medications,
and it was enough to get me out of my fog to function again. Annnnnd then I got
pregnant.
Fast forward to delivery…
I had been without the medications the Dr had prescribed for
me for several months now, and I was afraid that PPD would be a heavier burden
than it was with my firstborn son. When I had my oldest child, I was unaware of
the depth of PPD and where it can take a new mommy. (Again, I stress, don’t let
it even begin there for you! Talk to your Dr before you deliver!)
This time around I knew I needed to open up to someone and
get ahead of the game! And I did.
Postpartum Depression doesn’t always mean you are going to
sit and cry all day and night. No, PPD is so much more! It is confusion,
frustration, and irritability. It is the inability to sleep, and the inability
to stay awake. Sometimes at the same time. You can go from happy to sad at the
drop of a hat, and you can go from sad to happy just as quickly! The emotional
highs and lows are much more drastic than normal depression highs and lows. The
added hormones make everything seem more extreme.
What would normally make you a little emotional now has you
in tears, sobbing uncontrollably for long periods of time. What would normally
frustrate you sends you into a fit of anger that is completely unlike your
normal self. Sights, sounds, and smells can set off an emotional response
without warning.
For me, it was the dreading of the sunset every day. I would
sit and stare out the windows, begging the sun to stay high in the sky, and
would cry as I watched it slip below the horizon. In the dark I felt alone. I
knew I wasn’t, but boy did I feel like I was!
The sounds of a baby crying would irritate me and make me
feel helpless to help them. I felt like I was doing everything wrong, like I
wasn’t good enough, or the right person for this job. I wanted people around me,
but I wanted to be alone. Silence bothered me, but noise irritated me as well.
You can’t explain it and that just frustrates you even more.
Searching for words to describe your feelings and thoughts during PPD can be as
frustrating as the symptoms themselves. Yep, I’ve been there. I’m still there!
Don’t ever be ashamed if you did, or do, suffer from PPD!
Never! Don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor and take medication to help you
through the process, either! When you know you are not alone, and when you know
someone else out there truly understands what you cannot explain, things don’t
seem quite as heavy as before.
I see you. Single, married, surrounded with support, or
alone. I feel your struggle, and I understand. Oh, how I understand! When we go
through these times, although it is so hard to do, go with what you KNOW… not
what you feel. You may feel worthless, hopeless, and at the end of the rope.
You are not! Let me tell you what you ARE:
Strong: you may be struggling, and feel weak, but you are
making it through each day and will continue to do so! You are superwoman! You
are battling hormones and stresses that others cannot see or feel, and you are
rocking it!
Worth your weight in GOLD: Women who are faced with PPD find
in themselves an ability to carry themselves, their children, and other family
members through it all! Laundry, dishes, housework, homework, baths, showers,
just taking a breath and staring out the window! Every ounce of strength you
have makes you that much more valuable!
And finally, you are going to be okay. No, you may not feel
like it. I didn’t feel like it! I dreaded each day, each visitor, each change,
and even the things that stayed the same! But here I am now! There is a light
at the end of the PPD tunnel, I promise you!!
Some tunnels are longer than others, and some people will
come out sooner than others will. But I am a witness to victory over the silent
killer, the ever-present monster that is Postpartum Depression. Not everyone will
understand. Cling to those who do! Reach out to someone you know who has been
there and made it through. Listen to the testimonies of those who were where
you are now. You’ve got this, Mama. I believe in you, just like so many
believed in me.
Third trimester blues were a reality for me this time
around. This being my fourth pregnancy, I thought I had it all under control.
Ha! Twins will definitely create a new conundrum for any mom who thinks she has
it all together!
I did not ever find that burst of energy people talk about
getting before the end. The second trimester was tense enough, but the third…
Oh my heavens!
The contractions started around 31 weeks. Braxton Hicks Contractions
were a thing from halfway into the pregnancy, and I was accustomed to what they
felt like. The new contractions, however, brought a level of misery and discomfort
that took me off my feet for weeks!
It wasn’t just the contractions, however. I had pains in
places I didn’t know could hurt! I knew something was up with my body, but I
could never put my finger on it. So, I took my concerns to my Dr…
They say not to look online for a self-diagnosis, but my
body was screaming at me that things were not right, and my doctor’s office was
adamant that it was “normal,” and it just seemed worse because I was carrying
twins. Yes, they brushed off my concerns like they were nothing. You read that
right. So, what did I do? Oh, you know it! I got online on every pregnancy
website I could locate and listed all my symptoms. Yes, something was wrong,
but I could NOT convince the medical staff of my concerns’ validity. Not one
time! (At least I can say I stayed away from WebMD and “googling” my symptoms
LOL)
I could go into details about the external circumstances
that were also driving my health problems through the roof, but let’s just say
I was dealing with a lot of “life situations” that brought on some mild
depression and anxiety… of course, coupled with the third trimester conundrum I
was having, my body was DONE.
I went to the hospital twice with the contractions issue.
Once at 32 weeks, and the second time I was nearly 37 weeks along and felt like
I was dying. Literally. I prayed to survive the drive to the hospital, and the
return home (because they sent me back!). But! I got some answers that day,
along with some extra testing and things to make sure that my life, and that of
the twins, was not in any real danger should they send me home.
I changed doctors, at the suggestion of the Dr on call at
the hospital that day, got in to see the new one the very next morning, and he
scheduled me for a c-section for 8 days later. I had mixed emotions about the
date (again, the other life issues that were happening as well) but was happy
to finally see a doctor who believed me when I addressed my own concerns! I
will talk about my new, favorite, doctor in an upcoming post. He’s a riot!
Now, during these last 13 weeks of my life, this GLORIOUS third
trimester, I was facing the attempt at completing my house remodel as well. No,
this was not some glamorous remodel idea and case of bad planning. I had to
move walls, repair floors that were falling in, and do some other necessary
things before I would even consider bringing newborn twins into the home. My
helpers were gone, my money was depleted, and I felt so lost in the mess of
things.
I created a Facebook group so my friends and family who
wanted to stay updated on my pregnancy and situation could keep up with me.
These WONDERFUL people came to my rescue in so many ways… blessing me with gift
cards to the stores we were getting supplies from, money to help cover
expenses, and gifts for the babies that overflowed my home! My older boys were
blessed with gifts as well, which made them feel included and gave them some
peace. Words cannot describe the mountain of emotions that I faced daily, and
words cannot describe the appreciation I have for those who went out of their
way to assist in any way they could.
The time came closer and closer, and things were getting
done one-by-one. A few, small things were still incomplete when I went into the
hospital July 16, but I was okay with that. They were minor and could be taken
care of later. I was simply relieved that the big stuff was done, my home was
nearly ready to bring in two more humans, and I was finally having them!!
Now, the takeaway from this chapter in my story is this:
When you feel like something is not right in your body,
whether you are pregnant or not, get specific with your doctors and demand the
necessary procedures to get answers! You know your body better than anyone
else. Allow me to share with you what was wrong with mine…
I was severely dehydrated. The twins were sucking every
ounce of nutrients from me, and in my condition, it didn’t matter what I ate,
drank, how much I slept or stayed active, my body was not getting the nutrients
it needed to keep going. Now, the positive is that the twins were perfectly
healthy at birth. They were both over 6lbs (I’m trying not to get ahead of
myself here…) and they were in amazing shape! I, however, was not. Along with
the dehydration, my iron levels were dangerously low. When I say dangerously
low… they prepped two units of blood before they would even allow me to go into
the procedure to have the babies! They also pumped several bags of fluids into
my body via dual IV connections before, during, and after the c-section. My
body was depleted. Entirely.
Those final weeks of pregnancy, the last 3 months, were a trip
through Jurassic Park! But every ultrasound picture, every kick, bump, fetal
hiccups, and all signs of life and healthy babies were worth the troubles.
Would I do it again? Begrudgingly, yes. But I would do it all over again to
have them in my arms today. It was excruciating, and unbearable for weeks, but
the reward is totally worth the struggle. Double reward!
Second takeaway from this post: Accept help offered to you,
and never forget you DO have friends who love you and care about your
well-being. You just have to be open about your struggles sometimes. If they
don’t live with you, they won’t see it. Sometimes sharing your concerns with
those who WANT to help you is what will be your saving grace. I am a “suffer in
silence and alone” type of person. It was HARD for me to open up about my concerns.
But, I did. And the blessings that poured from my being real and raw with those
close to me far surpassed my problems! One day, I will be a blessing to someone
else in need. I will pay it forward, and return the favor bestowed on me by so
many.
Are you on bedrest for pregnancy or any other reason?
Are you restless, agitated, or bored out of your mind?
Are the walls closing in? Is every sound from other humans
in your household about to stomp your last nerve? Is the stir-crazy about to
set in?
Well, here are a few things I have done to help with my bedrest
blues that might help you out too!
Let’s face it, you can only scroll Facebook and Pinterest on
your phone so much before it all looks the same. But it was thanks to Facebook
groups for pregnant moms, and Pinterest pins with great ideas, that I was able
to overcome the dreaded bedrest blues from time to time. So, let’s go over some
of the amazing ideas I found, used, and loved!
My Home Business: I am an independent Scentsy consultant and a lot of my business traffic is online. I spend portions of my days creating flyers, pictures, promotions, and invitations to online parties on my computer. This is something anyone with a home-based business can do, as nearly every direct sales or home-business has online components to them anymore.
Blogging/Journaling:
Well, yeah! That’s what I do! Now, writer’s block is an issue at times when one
is attached to a bed with only windows and a computer screen to look at. But I
realized so many others out there are stuck to their beds as well, and my most
recent writer’s block totally went away!
If you write, this is the perfect time to do it! Even if it’s not a blog. Journaling
is therapeutic, as well as other forms of writing. Songs, stories, poetry,
jokes, lists, and the ideas go on!
Read Books:
While I understand it is easy to just grab your phone, tablet, or Kindle
reader, and open digital books to read, I highly recommend physical books.
There is just something about holding a book in your hands, turning the pages,
and closing the book after the last page has been read that is simply
satisfying. There’s a plethora of book genres to choose from, as well. Ask for
recommendations on social media and try a few.
Binge Your Shows:
If you have cable or satellite TV, great! On Demand channels are awesome! I
have Netflix, Hulu, and Prime Video myself, and I use them daily! You can list
your favorite shows, check for updated and new episodes, turn to your social
media for suggestions, or just try out new things you’ve never seen.
Learn A Hobby:
There are so many hobby ideas and options out there!! YouTube videos abound
with tutorials and instruction videos for nearly everything! And it doesn’t
matter if you are Right-handed, Left-handed, or Ambidextrous! I am Left
dominant and I have learned knitting, crochet, and other hobbies most Lefties
find hard to be taught, thanks to YouTube! Here are a few things you can do as
a hobby while on bedrest, and even long after you are finally free!!
Jigsaw Puzzles (you can get a board or other movable
solid surface to set on your bed)
Coloring books or pages (have you seen the giant
coloring posters online??)
Scrapbooking/Stamping-making cards (this is a
perfect time to hand-make your Thank You cards for all the well wishes and
gifts you have or will receive.)
Making Jewelry
Exercise: I would strongly suggest speaking with your doctor before engaging in any form of exercise, but if you get cleared to do some, here are a few ideas for you as well.
Bedrest Yoga (you can find videos, information,
instruction all over the internet for this)
Mild Stretching; arms, side bends, legs, neck
rolls, and some mild back stretches.
Meditation/Deep Breathing
Leg Lifts
Yoga Ball Stretches
Entertain the Children:
You’d be surprised how much the kids miss you (if you have any) when you are
confined to one area and they are not! Even the most independent child in the
home misses their parent/loved one when he/she is not seen around the house.
Here are a few things that you can do with the kids without having to get up
and be active, and still have a great time!
Board Games
Card Games
Coloring
Word Games (Mad Libs, Mad Gab, Say What, etc.)
Watch Movies Together
Puzzles
Crafting
Build Legos
Drawing
Read Books
Tell Stories (you’d be surprised with the things
they come up with!)
These are just a few things that can be done to pass the
time bedrest seems to steal from you. In all honesty, it really doesn’t steal
much! Yes, it prevents you from cooking and cleaning, and running those
important errands for you and the family, but there is such a bright, silver
lining for this dark cloud!
It’s hard not to fall into depression when stuck in bed.
These things can help prevent depression from creeping in.
Another thing is “Mom Guilt.” I am currently struggling with
that little speedbump myself! Don’t give in! Accept the help of family and
friends. Be excited about the food that is brought to you. Take advantage of
those offers to take the kids for an hour or a day, to entertain them and give
everyone a break. Don’t feel selfish or useless when the offers for help come.
Some of these offers are coming from people who have been there and understand
your struggle. They WANT to ease the burden. This is a temporary situation, and
once you are up you can return the favors and kindness in your own ways. Make a
list and read it often. It helps to see the names and times they helped you
feel a little better. And maybe work on those thank you cards!
I hope this has helped spark some positive vibes and given
you some ideas on how to survive your Bedrest Blues. Everyone has different
ideas, different ways of coping, and not everything works for everyone. I’d
love to hear back from my readers and see what helped you! If there’s anything
NOT on my list, please feel free to share! I love getting new ideas and trying
them out!
Remember, you are strong! You are important! And you can do this!
Oh, the glory of the second trimester energy!! Right?? NOPE!
This mama suffered through the second trimester just about
as much as the first! Minus the bleeding, that thankfully stopped in the
beginning of trimester 2, the real work began with half the energy. All of the
weeks of bedrest, sleep, being sick and weak, and still “momming” for three
boys took everything out of me. I had nothing left to give anyone. But, as the
statistics show, I knew I had a high chance of early delivery and time was
short.
It was time to start making room on the outside of my body
for the two-human addition to the household.
My house is not large, by any means. It’s a small, country
home, built in the 1970’s and the lack of storage and excess space shows (or
doesn’t show). So, I set to work on ideas that wouldn’t cost much and would be
quick to completion. As a single mother, and in a pregnancy riddled with
complications from day-one, finding a job for me was not happening. I turned to
my Scentsy business to bring income to me and my boys, in addition to the MANY
friends and some family who donated supplies, money, and manpower to get the
renovations started.
We tore down walls, moved them, and built them back up. Ripped
up floors to repair lots of long-lasting damage and preparing to lay new
flooring. And, as the baby items began flowing in from my baby registry on
Amazon.com via UPS, FedEx, and personal packages, I found myself with no place
for anything yet! Piles and piles of boxes and packages have surrounded my bed
in my bedroom for weeks!
As I have looked around my little home at the gifts that I,
and the twins, have received, I have found myself overwhelmingly blessed by the
many people who have supported me through this journey! I have cried tears of
joy, frustration, exhaustion, and pure love over the past 30+ weeks of my life,
and I feel that I am not done yet.
There were days when I felt like I could get up and conquer the
world, starting with the piles of dishes and laundry that accumulated over the
days when I was bedridden with sickness and/or exhaustion. Those days were not
as many as the days I felt like my world was too big, too heavy, and too dark
for me to see farther than the pregnant nose on my face. My hands and feet
started swelling early on, earlier than the 20-week mark when they begin
testing for preeclampsia.
I started feeling movement earlier with the twins than I did
with any of my three previous pregnancies. Those were days I felt elated! With
the bleeding scare of the first trimester, the movement was such a blessing!
I gained weight much faster, lost mobility sooner, and
questioned if I was going to survive this time around more than once. I longed
for the energy spike of the second trimester that my previous pregnancies
blessed me with.
As the walls inside my house came down, I felt like the
walls of my own resolve were crumbling as well. I slept a lot when my dad was
here working. I was angry at myself and struggled with “Mom Guilt” for being in
my bed so much.
And then, my boys stepped in! They started helping their
Paw-Paw tear into the walls, toss the trash from inside and outside the house,
and then finally restore the walls in their new places. The bedroom is bigger,
making more room for the wee ones, and the main part of the house is more open
than it was before!
At some point, near the end of the second trimester, I had a
couple better days here and there. I was able to get up and do some things that
needed to be done, schedule and keep appointments for myself and the boys
(beyond my bi-weekly OB appointments), and even cook some awesome meals! I was
excited! It didn’t matter that those days were few and distanced between,
because this mother felt slightly human again!
The belly started popping WAY out, the feet continued to
swell, and I drank so much water I felt like I was drowning in it after a
while. My blood pressure has remained normal so there hasn’t been much concern
for preeclampsia. That, in itself, has been a relief! It was my greatest fear
after the sub-chorionic hemorrhage issue of the first trimester.
Now, another fear has made itself present in my pregnant
life. The closing of the Labor and Delivery wing of the hospital I was to
deliver at in July! It was announced in the beginning of May and caused quite
the uproar among staff and patients alike. But for me, a woman who is currently
on State Insurance because I am unemployed, I am bound to hospitals within my
state. I live at the very edge of my state… in a small town where there is not
a hospital that provides the services I need. The closest one was the one that
closed their L&D. It’s 45 minutes from my home. The next-closest is another
15-20-minute drive depending on traffic.
Talk about a bundle of nerves!!! I’m carrying twins! I’ve
had complications and have been labeled “high-risk” with possibility of
pre-term labor! I’ve only had c-sections. The Dr doesn’t want me to go into
labor, especially pre-term labor. And now, the closest “in-state” hospital I
have is over an hour away! Just a tad nerve wrecking…
Of course, I’m no dummy. I understand an emergency could
land me in a hospital in the neighboring state, hospitals which are only 15-20-minute
drive from my house. But I will be seen by doctors who have never seen me, don’t
know my history, and are going into an emergency situation with time
constraints that will reduce their ability to gather all my information and
look it over properly before doing what needs to be done. Fun times!
So, wrapping up the second trimester, I had fewer medical
concerns which was uplifting. Yes, I had less energy than most in the second
trimester, but those were minor issues compared to the other possibilities. Did
I complain? Oh, yes! I was a grouch! I was angry that I was always tired and
had so much to do. I was frustrated at my lack of energy. But I did overcome my
moodiness and find myself good distractions most of the time. Crabby Becca was
short-lived for the most part, minus a longer day here and there. I had my
three musketeers to cheer me up nearly every time, too! I believe I am raising
three comedians! There has been no shortage of corny knock-knock jokes, Yo-Mama
jokes, and Bad-Dad jokes daily! It’s been a glorious journey!
So, here’s looking to trimester 3, with hopes, dreams,
fears, nervousness, and I dare say, excitement! Bring it on baby!
Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like a positive pregnancy
test!! Ok, ok… so I was filled with mixed emotions over this one, with my
youngest of three sons being 8-years-old. But I was ready! I wanted “one more”
before I stopped for good anyway, so it was perfect timing! I didn’t want to be
pregnant at 36 years of age, and time was running short SUPER fast!
No, the kicker for me was the first ultrasound where we got
the visual…
Before I took the test, I had dreams about twins, and GIRLS
no less! For about two weeks these dreams plagued my sleep, every night. I
joked about it on Facebook Groups I was a part of, and with my family and
friends as well. We laughed, I shrugged it off, and we all moved on.
Test pops positive a solid week before missed period…
I start feeling sicker and sicker, and cannot sleep day or
night…
Enter Bronchitis and sinus infection from Hades!
I see my Family Doctor, they order a pee test, positive
again. They give me a pat on the back, congratulations, and then tell me I
cannot take the medicines I would normally be able to take for my infections!
*sigh* What did I do to myself?!
*side-note: the sinus infection and nose bleeds stayed
around until about 20 weeks gestation, or later*
Scheduling OB appointment and prepare for the start of the
process…
December 19; ultrasound with Mom in the room. Tech moves the
little wand thing back…and forth…and back…and forth…
I’m laying on the table thinking to myself, “She better be
looking at baby, placenta, and back again to make sure it’s all intact…” Tech
finally speaks…
“So… do twins run in your family?”
Mom kinda slumps to one side of her chair with a slight gasp
and other sounds of shock and surprise. I’m laying on the table… processing.
“Did she say what I think she just said?! Aw I knew it! I knew it!”
I see the Dr and she said that explains my constant and
worse sickness, coupled with sleep problems. My body is working overtime, times
two! So, I get prescriptions for specific medications to help with the
sickness, insomnia, and to keep TWO babies healthy, and I go home.
December 20; bad, BAD day…
I spent most of the day with Mom, again. Grocery shopping
and getting necessities for the house. I was feeling rough. I also did an
interview for a blog post I was doing for a local, social media group I enjoy
writing for. At the end of the day, Mom brings me home where I can finally sit
and relax, and she goes to do her things.
About an hour in… I’m achy and need to use the bathroom.
Blood. Everywhere! Panic ensues, and I start trying to reach out to my mother.
At this time (I forgot to mention) I had NO phone… only internet services. So,
I’m messaging anyone who can reach my mother. Friends, other family members,
etc.!
Finally, someone tells me my mom called them back. She’s on
her way to get me and take me to the ER.
My hospital is almost an hour away. We start the drive up
there, and thus begins the 6 hours or pure torment…
Since I’m in my first trimester I have to go to the ER and
not L&D. I’m bleeding. I’m scared. I JUST found out there’s two in there 24
hours ago! What is happening???
We wait for over an hour in the waiting room, and Mom’s
pastor and his wife came to sit with us and be our support. Someone with a hand
injury was sent back BEFORE me, and he got there AFTER I did. Mom was about to
lose it! She had a miscarriage on Christmas Day over 20 years ago, and she was
reliving her horrible ER experience with me. She was NOT having it! After a
couple chats with the nurses and admins at the desk, I’m finally called back
and given a private room.
The ER doctor sees me, they do blood work, labs, exam, etc.,
and then the Dr proceeds to inform me I’m losing the babies. Yes, he told me
they are going or gone. However, they did NOT have an ultrasound technician on
staff in that ER to prove either possible outcome for me and the beans.
After the frustrating, painful, agonizing, and depressing ER
visit, I was sent home with instructions to call and follow up with my OBGYN
first thing in the morning, 6 hours later.
December 21; the follow up visit happened as soon as I woke
up and got myself functional to head to the Dr. I was nervous but had already
settled my heart and mind to see nothing when we got there. I mean, the ER Dr told
me they were most likely gone, after seeing the amount of blood I lost the
night before.
We arrive, get checked in, and within minutes I go back to
the ultrasound room. That was probably the longest 3 minutes of my life…
getting set up, being asked all the seemingly insensitive yet necessary
questions, and finally the look.
The tech goes straight for Baby A’s heart, stays there for a
couple seconds, and then to Baby B’s heart and repeats. I’m pretty sure I held
my breath the whole time. I wasn’t even expecting to SEE two babies in there
anymore, yet there they were!
“Well, we have two heart beats. Strong ones. You can breathe
now, Mama. For now, both babies are just fine.”
We went through the diagnosis process before I got up and
went to the bathroom to change. Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage. It was spread across
the entire topside of my uterus. Bigger than both babies in there together, at
the time. I was reassured that these things typically resolve themselves with care,
rest, and time, and that many of these pregnancies turn out successful to
birth.
I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation, because
I was lost in my own head. Once I was told I could get up and change, I went
straight for the bathroom across the exam room and closed the door.
Mind spinning, heart pounding, and breathless I just stood
there… looking at the blood-stained items in the bathroom I wondered how this
is even possible right now?! I began to change clothes, and realized I had
probably just taken my first, deep breath all day, right there as I adjusted
myself and looked in the mirror. Was that a tear, trailing silently down the
side of my face? And what are the mixed emotions for?! I should be elated that
we saw to LIVING babies in the ultrasound! What else is going on? Is something
wrong with me? I wasn’t processing things well, at all!
The next several weeks were spent in bed, in fear that every
time I stood up that I would feel myself just losing the babies. The sinus
infection, upper respiratory infection, nose bleeds, fatigue, sickness, and
exhaustion combined with the instructions to stay in bed were NOT making things
any better. I was depressed, lonely, angry, scared, sad, anxious, and worried
about the three boys that I already have in my life to take care of.
If there is one thing a person who already lives with
anxiety disorder cannot handle well, it’s being down while they are… well…
down.
I lightly bled for a solid 7 weeks. One day, it just…
stopped. I was seen at the Dr every 14 days since, minus one, monthly visit. When
the bleeding stopped, I was weeks into my second trimester, but the level of
peace that accompanied the first day of “no blood” was beyond description!
I got up! I moved around! I cooked BIG meals for myself and
my boys! I did more laundry than I knew was humanly possible! And… I finally
got to “officially” start my Blog!
The journey has been interesting thus far, but it’s one I
have grown and learned from, and I cannot wait to see where the next chapter takes
me!
