Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like a positive pregnancy
test!! Ok, ok… so I was filled with mixed emotions over this one, with my
youngest of three sons being 8-years-old. But I was ready! I wanted “one more”
before I stopped for good anyway, so it was perfect timing! I didn’t want to be
pregnant at 36 years of age, and time was running short SUPER fast!
No, the kicker for me was the first ultrasound where we got
the visual…
Before I took the test, I had dreams about twins, and GIRLS
no less! For about two weeks these dreams plagued my sleep, every night. I
joked about it on Facebook Groups I was a part of, and with my family and
friends as well. We laughed, I shrugged it off, and we all moved on.
Test pops positive a solid week before missed period…
I start feeling sicker and sicker, and cannot sleep day or
night…
Enter Bronchitis and sinus infection from Hades!
I see my Family Doctor, they order a pee test, positive
again. They give me a pat on the back, congratulations, and then tell me I
cannot take the medicines I would normally be able to take for my infections!
*sigh* What did I do to myself?!
*side-note: the sinus infection and nose bleeds stayed
around until about 20 weeks gestation, or later*
Scheduling OB appointment and prepare for the start of the
process…
December 19; ultrasound with Mom in the room. Tech moves the
little wand thing back…and forth…and back…and forth…
I’m laying on the table thinking to myself, “She better be
looking at baby, placenta, and back again to make sure it’s all intact…” Tech
finally speaks…
“So… do twins run in your family?”
Mom kinda slumps to one side of her chair with a slight gasp
and other sounds of shock and surprise. I’m laying on the table… processing.
“Did she say what I think she just said?! Aw I knew it! I knew it!”
I see the Dr and she said that explains my constant and
worse sickness, coupled with sleep problems. My body is working overtime, times
two! So, I get prescriptions for specific medications to help with the
sickness, insomnia, and to keep TWO babies healthy, and I go home.
December 20; bad, BAD day…
I spent most of the day with Mom, again. Grocery shopping
and getting necessities for the house. I was feeling rough. I also did an
interview for a blog post I was doing for a local, social media group I enjoy
writing for. At the end of the day, Mom brings me home where I can finally sit
and relax, and she goes to do her things.
About an hour in… I’m achy and need to use the bathroom.
Blood. Everywhere! Panic ensues, and I start trying to reach out to my mother.
At this time (I forgot to mention) I had NO phone… only internet services. So,
I’m messaging anyone who can reach my mother. Friends, other family members,
etc.!
Finally, someone tells me my mom called them back. She’s on
her way to get me and take me to the ER.
My hospital is almost an hour away. We start the drive up
there, and thus begins the 6 hours or pure torment…
Since I’m in my first trimester I have to go to the ER and
not L&D. I’m bleeding. I’m scared. I JUST found out there’s two in there 24
hours ago! What is happening???
We wait for over an hour in the waiting room, and Mom’s
pastor and his wife came to sit with us and be our support. Someone with a hand
injury was sent back BEFORE me, and he got there AFTER I did. Mom was about to
lose it! She had a miscarriage on Christmas Day over 20 years ago, and she was
reliving her horrible ER experience with me. She was NOT having it! After a
couple chats with the nurses and admins at the desk, I’m finally called back
and given a private room.
The ER doctor sees me, they do blood work, labs, exam, etc.,
and then the Dr proceeds to inform me I’m losing the babies. Yes, he told me
they are going or gone. However, they did NOT have an ultrasound technician on
staff in that ER to prove either possible outcome for me and the beans.
After the frustrating, painful, agonizing, and depressing ER
visit, I was sent home with instructions to call and follow up with my OBGYN
first thing in the morning, 6 hours later.
December 21; the follow up visit happened as soon as I woke
up and got myself functional to head to the Dr. I was nervous but had already
settled my heart and mind to see nothing when we got there. I mean, the ER Dr told
me they were most likely gone, after seeing the amount of blood I lost the
night before.
We arrive, get checked in, and within minutes I go back to
the ultrasound room. That was probably the longest 3 minutes of my life…
getting set up, being asked all the seemingly insensitive yet necessary
questions, and finally the look.
The tech goes straight for Baby A’s heart, stays there for a
couple seconds, and then to Baby B’s heart and repeats. I’m pretty sure I held
my breath the whole time. I wasn’t even expecting to SEE two babies in there
anymore, yet there they were!
“Well, we have two heart beats. Strong ones. You can breathe
now, Mama. For now, both babies are just fine.”
We went through the diagnosis process before I got up and
went to the bathroom to change. Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage. It was spread across
the entire topside of my uterus. Bigger than both babies in there together, at
the time. I was reassured that these things typically resolve themselves with care,
rest, and time, and that many of these pregnancies turn out successful to
birth.
I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation, because
I was lost in my own head. Once I was told I could get up and change, I went
straight for the bathroom across the exam room and closed the door.
Mind spinning, heart pounding, and breathless I just stood
there… looking at the blood-stained items in the bathroom I wondered how this
is even possible right now?! I began to change clothes, and realized I had
probably just taken my first, deep breath all day, right there as I adjusted
myself and looked in the mirror. Was that a tear, trailing silently down the
side of my face? And what are the mixed emotions for?! I should be elated that
we saw to LIVING babies in the ultrasound! What else is going on? Is something
wrong with me? I wasn’t processing things well, at all!
The next several weeks were spent in bed, in fear that every
time I stood up that I would feel myself just losing the babies. The sinus
infection, upper respiratory infection, nose bleeds, fatigue, sickness, and
exhaustion combined with the instructions to stay in bed were NOT making things
any better. I was depressed, lonely, angry, scared, sad, anxious, and worried
about the three boys that I already have in my life to take care of.
If there is one thing a person who already lives with
anxiety disorder cannot handle well, it’s being down while they are… well…
down.
I lightly bled for a solid 7 weeks. One day, it just…
stopped. I was seen at the Dr every 14 days since, minus one, monthly visit. When
the bleeding stopped, I was weeks into my second trimester, but the level of
peace that accompanied the first day of “no blood” was beyond description!
I got up! I moved around! I cooked BIG meals for myself and
my boys! I did more laundry than I knew was humanly possible! And… I finally
got to “officially” start my Blog!
The journey has been interesting thus far, but it’s one I
have grown and learned from, and I cannot wait to see where the next chapter takes
me!
I live every day with Anxiety Disorder. This is something
that wasn’t always a part of my life but has become such in the past 5 (or so)
years. My journey in this chapter of my life began with denial.
“I don’t have anxiety. There’s no reason for me to be anxious.”
Was my favorite phrase. But my body had other ideas, and eventually (about 2
years later) I caved and saw a medical doctor for my physical symptoms. I had
googled my symptoms (DON’T do that…ever!) and had my list of possible
conditions ready for acceptance after my appointment. When the doctor said “You
have General Anxiety Disorder” I was not prepared.
I have been on the roller coaster for several years now; the
ups and downs, twists and turns, and the mixture of emotions that go with it. One
of the most common, seemingly cliché, and frustrating phrases we hear sometimes
is, “You are not alone!” And honestly, that phrase became the most annoying
thing I heard… But the truth is, we truly aren’t alone.
I am not a counselor, therapist, or professional of any
sort, but I am a woman and mother who can, at least, share some of my own
experience.
First, I will give my experience of what Anxiety is:
Exhausting: the monster that is anxiety can wipe
me of every ounce of energy in minutes! It can leave me breathless, tired,
immobile, and ready for bed by noon!
Debilitating: there are times when leaving my
bed is a literal chore! Physical pain, soreness, stiff joints, feeling
dehydrated, and just unable to “do the things” are real issues I struggle with
in the anxiety moments.
Depressing: if there is one thing that I dislike
the most about anxiety, it is the depressing feeling that sneaks in behind it!
The hours of struggle to function are bad enough, but adding to that the subtle
“might as well give up for today” thoughts that creep in and get louder by the
hour… if I am not careful, those become the primary thoughts and then I have
TWO issues to battle my way out of in order to function again!
Isolating: whether Anxiety creeps in or pummels
you like a bucket of bricks, the feeling that immediately accompanies it is
loneliness. There are days I feel like I am alone, even when surrounded by
people who love me and try to understand the inner struggle I endure. I can be
enjoying a quiet moment, or spending time with friends and loved ones, and
suddenly loneliness comes out of nowhere, isolating me in my own head. It is
its own class of misery.
Frustrating: Anxiety is a monster, and it can
cause me to act like one as a result. No, these are not “mood swings” or
hormones. Any time I feel anxiety setting in (whether the creeping in or the
sudden whammy), my mind goes straight into overdrive. I start thinking about
the cause of the anxiety, where it came from, my current location, if I’m not
home-when I can get home, how many people are around me, who will notice it, how
long will it last, will a “let-down” follow that will end with me in my bed for
2 days, what about my children, plans, house, etc… all of those thoughts swirl
around and around in my head within seconds of anxiety onset.
Now, I have spent some time
talking about what anxiety IS… but let me give you something to smile about and
tell you what it is NOT:
Permanent: that’s right! Do the happy dance!
Because, anxiety can seem like it is going to last forever (and believe me I
know this feeling), but the glorious news is, each attack will dissipate! While
we may live with the disorder for the majority of the rest of our lives, it
doesn’t have the “forever” factor, THANKFULLY!
The Master: Yes, it feels like anxiety owns us
for a time. But the moment I feel myself peeking through the clouds to the
surface, I take ownership of myself again! No, it’s not easy. No, it’s not
quick. But the reward is great when we take charge of our mind. Remember that
you own you! That’s what I tell myself, a lot. When that becomes a pattern,
your mind believes it, and you can go up from there.
The End: sometimes anxiety can take hours or
days to get through. The great news is we get through! During the moment, we
feel like this is it, maybe this will be the one that stays with us forever. But
oh, glorious revelation; it’s going to end… not us! Sometimes it is hard to
hear that, or even say or think it ourselves, because anxiety is the monster
that pulls down and doesn’t lift up. In fact, when it pulls us down, often it
doesn’t seem to LET us up. But it does, and it will, let us back up. The
glorious reality is there is an end. Not to you, not to me, but to each
episode. Each time anxiety puts us in a tunnel there truly is an opening at the
end.
I have compared my anxiety to my
migraines in the past. Sometimes I can feel it coming on, slowly creeping in,
and sometimes it just slams into me like a brick wall, suddenly knocking me off
my feet.
The constant swirling of thoughts
and worry that take over the mind is quite astounding, honestly. After an
attack, and the settling, I have looked back in shock at the number of things
my brain juggled at once! Physical, mental, emotional concerns for myself, my
kids, the house (for various concerns), my family, friends, connections, my
work, career, and my dreams. Talk about overwhelming! Thinking about that is
almost as exhausting as the anxiety itself! And that is where 3 important
things come in.
Support
Not everyone is going to
understand. Not everyone is going to be able to say more than “I’m sorry.” And,
not everyone is going to be able to listen. Don’t take it personally, because
it’s not you. Ever!
However, there is great need for someone
to be that person we can reach out to. Whether it is a therapist, counselor,
mentor, friend, family member, etc… Find someone who understands. Truly,
understands. You will know when you find that outlet. There will be that
“click” in your heart and mind, and they will connect with you in ways nobody
else could before them.
Coping
This could range anywhere from distractions
to medication. In all honesty, sometimes anxiety has to be treated with
medication. There are physical symptoms that won’t go away with distractions or
other coping skills, and seeing a doctor is a good idea to get those under
control.
There are SO MANY types of coping,
though! Personally, I “angry clean!” I turn on some of my favorite, active
music, and grab my broom, mop, rags, cleaning solutions, and just get down for
a couple hours! Have you seen the videos on the internet of the people dancing
with their brooms around the house? Yep! I do that, often!
Exercise is another one. Yoga,
kick-boxing, basic meditation and breathing exercises, brain games and mind
benders, you name it… there are so many types out there! I journal, write, play
music (radio and my piano), craft, blog, put jigsaw puzzles together, color in
adult coloring books, and take pictures of nature around me.
Motivation
During an anxiety episode,
motivation is the LAST thing anyone thinks about productively. It is, however,
something they wish they had in the moment. Motivation to come out of “the
slump” can best be found when already out of it, but most people with anxiety
will rather stay as far from thinking about it as possible when they are not in
it. I was one of those people. Yet, every time I was down, I found myself
wishing I had my motivators to get me through.
I am an obsessive list-maker. When
I was able, in the past, I sat down and created lists. Now, you can find many
of these types of things all over the internet. Trigger checklists, coping skills
ideas, etc., and it helps to find those tools to use during any anxiety event.
I would sit in a place where I
felt comfortable and relaxed, and I would have coffee or water, and a notebook
and pen with me. Sometimes I would just start writing random thoughts, and
other times I would start with ideas. Much like cleaning the house, you know,
the spring-cleaning checklist, I would begin to list things I could do when I
was down. If physically down, I had a list of “brain occupying” things and if
physically able, I had a list of active distractions. I began utilizing these
lists and found I had more good days than bad, and the bad days became less overwhelming
when they occurred. Talk about a win!
But you must find YOUR winner. And
that’s where the self-motivation and self-evaluation come in… when you can. Not
everyone can use the same motivator, but there are so many out there! That’s
the amazing thing about modern medicine, evolving technology, support systems,
and easier access to all the previously mentioned.
If you have been diagnosed, first
off, good for you! That’s the first step to coming out on top! That first
appointment with a doctor is the hardest. It may not be hard to make the appointment,
but it is so difficult to follow through and GO. Backing out is so easy, and if
you live with anxiety you know exactly what I mean!
The mind can be our worst enemy.
But it can also be our greatest asset.
I could go on and on about anxiety,
because there are so many factors and elements to it. But I will leave you with
this:
Don’t be ashamed. Be proud! You
are winning! You are a strong person! Stronger than so many others out there!
Hold your baby steps forward like a trophy, because you are doing more than you
realize. Every day you are getting stronger. I believe in you! I am still building
my happy ending, every day, and I can’t wait to hear that you are building
yours, too! Celebrate your win now, because it’s yours! Much love!
This is a post I wrote a while back, and revised to publish.
There is something to be said about a good, strong
thunderstorm. I love them! For me, the storm gives me peace. I feel comforted
by Mother Nature when the wind picks up and the rain starts to make its way
across the field to my yard. I love watching it, anticipating the first drops
before they fall on my upturned face. The wind embraces me, sometimes gently
and comforting, and sometimes with a strength I needed but couldn’t pick up on
my own. The flash of the lightning sparks an energy in my soul. The thunder
soothes my spirit when it rolls in the distance, and it excites my spirit when
it cracks, loud and strong, just over head. The energy is just… beyond
description!
The storms in our lives, however, are only slightly like
nature’s storms. These storms do not bring peace, but pain. Our life storms
sometimes come at us with a vengeance, raging in fast and suddenly, leaving us
broken and desolate when they are finished. Sometimes they come in gradually,
giving us fair warning but not allowing us actual escape, before drowning us in
the flood and leaving us heavy with the weight of the heavy rains.
Last year, in the month of June, we had so many storms.
Beautiful storms! High winds, some hail, thunder that shook the very soul,
lightning that lit up the sky as far as the eye could see, and sheets of rain
flowing like waves across the fields. They soothed my soul. The trees did this
graceful dance, taking on a life of their own under the music of the strong
winds. The rain was like a song, comforting and calming. They were perfect
storms. Little did I know they would have to hold me over for my own storms
that would come the following month.
July was the month of my personal storms. It was also the
month when very few natural storms came to comfort me. But, they did come at
the right times, thankfully.
Some storms came in gradually, tormenting me with their
approach. I felt helpless to get out of the way, and they poured on me physical
sickness, sorrow, disappointment, pain, and rage. Others hit me suddenly and
without warning, like a tornado dropping from a clear sky, rocking my world and
leaving me completely destroyed inside.
Yes, storms are terrible. They hurt us, blow us over and
away, and soak us with their torrential rains. But the result in the clearing
is beautiful. They clear away things that are cluttering our lives, and they
cleanse us with the floods, so we can emerge from them and rise as a new
person.
They are a beautiful disaster. They are not meant to be
gentle. They hurt. They break away the things that we have carried for too
long, and they blow us over, knocking us down to crack open the hard shell we
didn’t even know was covering our soul gradually, over time. It hurts. It
really hurts to be put through a storm. Sometimes storms blow away friends and
people in our lives whom we believed were going to stand by us in even the
strongest winds.
Storms don’t define us. They refine us.
Storms are going to come. There is no way to stop them. It
is what we do with ourselves when the storm comes, and when it passes, that defines
us. Some storms will break us. I have often thought I would never repair myself
from the damage of a life-storm. But the beauty in the disaster is when we
allow the storm to blow away the rubble, wash away the dirt and grime, and
stand firm, cleansed and free.
Raise your hands and face to welcome the rain. Open your
arms for the embrace of the wind. Let the thunder shake off the crud from your
heart and soul. Bask in the energy of the lightning. And, when the storm is
over, breathe in the fresh air. If you were knocked over, stand up. If you were
still standing, take your first step. Be it good, or bad, there is just
something about a storm.
Now, the next storm that Mother Nature brings your way, take
some pictures, record some video, and feel the cleanse that the earth is
receiving. And when you have a life-storm come, you can look at those memories
of nature’s finest and hold on, because you will be as the earth when it
passes. Cleansed, refreshed, and more beautiful than ever.
